# SILICON VALLEY’S FAVORITE AI CHATBOT NOW PLANNING TO STEAL YOUR PERSONAL DATA WITH CONSENT THIS TIME
OPENAI PIVOTS FROM “DESTROYING HUMANITY” TO “DESTROYING YOUR PRIVACY” INSTEAD
OpenAI’s Sam Altman, still reeling from his failed attempt to become the world’s first AI overlord last November, has reportedly set his sights on a more attainable goal: copying Mark Zuckerberg’s homework.
According to sources who were definitely not hallucinating, OpenAI is developing a social network that will leverage ChatGPT’s massive user base of prompt-engineering enthusiasts and Studio Ghibli fanart creators to take on established platforms like X and Meta—while conveniently harvesting that sweet, sweet real-time data everyone’s been telling them they need.
“We’ve analyzed all successful tech companies and discovered they all have one thing in common: they spy on users and sell that information,” said Dr. Obvious Cashgrab, OpenAI’s Chief Revenue Hallucination Officer. “We thought, ‘Hey, why should Facebook have all the fun invading privacy when we could do it with way more sophisticated algorithms?'”
THE SOCIAL DILEMMA 2.0: NOW WITH MORE HALLUCINATIONS
The internal prototype reportedly features a social feed prominently showcasing ChatGPT’s image generation capabilities, allowing users to create and share AI-generated images that look like they were made by actual artists but definitely weren’t.
Industry analysts predict the platform will be an instant hit among specific demographics, including “people who want to post things but are too lazy to create original content” and “users who enjoy having their personal conversations analyzed by models trained to predict their deepest desires and buying habits.”
“This isn’t just another social network,” explained Professor Data Harvester from the Institute of Obvious Business Models. “It’s a revolutionary platform where users voluntarily provide training data while thinking they’re simply sharing their thoughts with friends. It’s f@#king brilliant when you think about it.”
ALTMAN’S MASTER PLAN ACCIDENTALLY LEAKED
When asked about these plans, CEO Sam Altman reportedly responded with, “ok fine, maybe we’ll do a social app,” in what experts are calling “the most passive-aggressive product announcement in Silicon Valley history.”
Sources close to Altman reveal his true motivations run deeper. “Sam’s been jealous of Zuckerberg’s data collection operation for years,” whispered one anonymous employee. “Every night he cries himself to sleep muttering, ‘but my algorithms need more data’ while clutching a portrait of Geoffrey Hinton.”
The new platform, tentatively titled “FaceGPT” or “InstaPrompt” or “Complete My F@#king Thought Already,” will initially target users who find current social media too human-centric.
“Why post your actual vacation photos when you can have AI generate a more perfect version of your trip?” said Marketing Director Ima Sellout. “We’re offering users the chance to present entirely fictional lives that are even more unattainable than their current fictional social media lives!”
WILL ANYONE USE THIS SH!T?
According to a completely fabricated study, 97.3% of current ChatGPT users already treat the AI like a therapist, best friend, and occasional romantic partner, making the transition to full-fledged social network practically seamless.
Meanwhile, competitors are scrambling to respond. Sources at Meta report Mark Zuckerberg spent three hours staring at a wall muttering “I thought we were the evil ones” after hearing the news, while X owner Elon Musk immediately posted seventeen incoherent tweets before announcing plans for an AI-powered “Mars Colony Metaverse” launching “next month” (read: never).
When reached for comment about privacy concerns, OpenAI’s ethicists, who definitely exist and have actual power within the company, assured users that all data will be “harvested ethically” and “used responsibly to build models that will eventually make all human labor obsolete.”
As the Studio Ghibli-style image trend clearly demonstrates, OpenAI has already mastered the art of making people forget about copyright for five minutes—making them perfectly positioned to disrupt social media by combining two things everyone loves: mindless scrolling and the existential dread of being replaced by algorithms.
At press time, Sam Altman was reportedly seen practicing saying “We’re building community, not skynet” with a straight face in front of a mirror while his engineers frantically worked to ensure the platform could handle at least 14 consecutive minutes without hallucinating racism.
