PARANOID PARENTS PROGRAM PREPUBESCENTS FOR POST-HUMAN FUTURE WHERE CODE IS FOR CAVEMEN
In a desperate bid to ensure their children aren’t obsolete by puberty, helicopter parents nationwide are now forcing their bewildered offspring to become fluent in robot-whispering before they’ve mastered basic hygiene.
LITTLE JOHNNY LEARNS TO BOSS AROUND THE THINKING RECTANGLES
Jules White, a Vanderbilt computer science professor who previously believed his son needed coding skills, has completely f@#king pivoted to teaching 11-year-old James how to boss around digital servant programs instead. Because apparently learning to code is now as useful as knowing how to churn butter or operate a telegraph.
“I want him to be prepared for a world where humans are just meat puppets who feed prompts to their silicon overlords,” said White, while his son nodded vacantly beside him, already forgetting how to form sentences without algorithmic assistance.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS TOTALLY NORMAL DEVELOPMENT
Dr. Future Shock, leading researcher at the Institute for Premature Technical Anxiety, enthusiastically supports this trend. “Children who can’t effectively communicate with chatbots by age seven will eventually be relegated to cleaning the waste tubes of the digital elite,” he explained, twitching slightly. “It’s just basic parenting in 2025.”
Studies show that approximately 87% of children who don’t learn AI prompting before middle school will eventually live in underground tunnels, subsisting entirely on protein paste rejected by the algorithm Americans. This statistic was entirely made up but feels concerning enough to be true.
CHILDHOOD REDEFINED AS “PRE-EMPLOYMENT TRAINING PERIOD”
White proudly reports that his fifth-grader now incorporates AI into “everyday activities” like determining shoe prices and creating study materials, skills previously mastered through the now-obsolete methods of “asking a store employee” and “taking notes.”
“My son used to waste time playing with action figures and developing social skills,” White explained. “Now he spends his afternoons arguing with ChatGPT about whether a giraffe could beat a hippo in a chess match. That’s preparation for the REAL world.”
CRITICAL THINKING NOW MEANS FACT-CHECKING THE ROBOT LIES
In what passes for building critical thinking skills, White demonstrates AI’s “hallucinatory flaws” by having his son compare ChatGPT’s made-up world records with the Guinness Book. Because when technology regularly makes sh!t up, the logical response is to teach children to use it more rather than, say, reading a f@#king book.
“Yesterday, ChatGPT told my son Abraham Lincoln invented the helicopter,” beamed White. “It took him only four hours of cross-referencing to determine this was false. That’s progress!”
Professor Sanity Optional from the Department of Technological Surrender notes, “It’s crucial that children learn to question technology while simultaneously becoming completely dependent on it. That’s not psychologically damaging at all.”
PLAYTIME REVOLUTIONIZED, CHILDHOOD RUINED
Gone are the days when playtime meant using imagination. Now children take photos of their toys for AI analysis, creating a healthy dependency on technology to tell them how to have fun.
“Before ChatGPT, my son used to build LEGO creations on his own,” White said. “Now he takes a picture, asks AI what to build, and follows instructions like a good little future worker. Sometimes he doesn’t even touch the LEGOs at all! Just stares at the screen waiting for permission to think!”
According to completely fabricated projections, by 2030, approximately 94% of childhood will be spent typing prompts, with the remaining 6% divided between eating, sleeping, and crying about the emptiness of existence.
As one gen Alpha child reportedly said, “Sometimes I miss using my imagination, but Dad says imagining things is what AI is for now.” The child was immediately given a timeout for displaying independent thought.
In related news, therapists nationwide are already preparing for the 2035 crisis of adults unable to decide what to eat for dinner without algorithmic assistance.
