**Silicon Valley Genius Promises AI Will Solve All of Humanity’s Problems, Starting Any Minute Now**
In a groundbreaking revelation that will shock absolutely no one, Assistant Professor Manish Raghavan of MIT has declared his life’s mission: using algorithms to “fix” humanity. That’s right, AI, the technology that’s lovingly brought us autocorrect fails, horrifying deepfake videos, and social media echo chambers, is apparently on the verge of making the world a better place. Any day now. For real this time.
“I ultimately want my research to push towards better solutions to long-standing societal problems,” said Raghavan in what we assume was a dead-serious tone, ignoring the small detail that humanity’s current problems often involve, you know, algorithms run amok. With a résumé that includes groundbreaking research on social media’s ability to mimic junk food cravings, Raghavan is confident that AI will someday accomplish what world leaders, centuries of social progress, and common sense could not.
According to Raghavan, algorithms could revolutionize some biggies, like hiring—which, historically, has been a delightful dumpster fire of biases, favoritism, and gut feelings about résumés printed in Comic Sans. “AI-driven systems are sometimes easier to observe and measure than humans,” Raghavan claimed, which is kind of like saying a blindfolded robot surgeon is easier to monitor than whoever operated on your appendix. He added, “One goal of my work is to figure out when systems are behaving badly.” Because, clearly, machines that accidentally approve mortgages for houseplants and cars that mistake traffic cones for pedestrians are just one snarky professor away from moral enlightenment.
Raghavan’s optimism extends to health care too, where he’s researching ways to combine high-tech algorithms with good ol’ human doctors. “The Glasgow-Blatchford Score system is about as good as humans on average,” he explained, casually insulting every doctor ever, “but there are times when doctors are likely to be better.” This breaking news—that humans might still be useful sometimes—surely comes as a relief to every medical professional who feared being replaced by a soulless app with a 94% accuracy rate and a tendency to crash during flu season.
An especially noble effort of Raghavan’s is his desire to fix social media platforms by, wait for it, making them “more wholesome.” His research reportedly explores how platforms like Instagram and Twitter are basically the mental equivalent of potato chips: addictive, salty, and inevitably leaving you bloated with regret. “Long-term satisfaction is ultimately important,” he says, suggesting what could be the first-ever effort to make the internet anything but a brain-melting carnival of bad takes and meme warfare. “If tech companies realize their users won’t quit mid-scroll to cry into their bowls of spaghetti, maybe they’ll finally listen,” he added optimistically, ignoring the fact that capitalism thrives on widespread misery.
Of course, Raghavan has no delusions of grandeur. Well, he might, but at least they’re well-mannered. “I’m hoping that we can use AI to better understand ourselves,” he humbly declared, implying that he believes the human condition is essentially a tricky math problem that just needs a better algorithm—and, presumably, a log-in screen.
When he’s not tinkering with ideas to save the world (or break it further, depending on who you ask), Raghavan spends his time coaching Harvard’s Men’s Soccer Club. “It prevents me from procrastinating,” he said, proving that even visionary geniuses occasionally need to shout at undergrads about corner kicks to stay sane.
As humanity nervously waits for Raghavan’s algorithms to solve centuries of institutional rot and existential crises, one thing’s clear: if this plan somehow works, we owe Silicon Valley and all its spreadsheet-wielding sorcerers a heartfelt hug. But if it doesn’t? Well, we can always go back to eating our regret-flavored social media potato chips.
