Move Over Digital Overlords: World’s Fastest Supercomputer Thrills With Its Ability to Disappoint Faster Than Any Other Machine
In a world where humans still struggle to work a microwave without accidentally setting it to “defrost for eternity,” HPE’s latest creation, El Capitan, has achieved the mind-boggling feat of becoming the fastest supercomputer ever — thereby cementing its status as the world’s most efficient tool for making us feel terribly inadequate.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the pinnacle of human achievement,” declared a smug spokesperson from HPE while standing in front of the massive blinking monstrosity. “Now we can finally calculate just how irrelevant all your degrees in liberal arts truly are, but much, much faster.”
Contrary to popular belief, El Capitan did not earn its title by aiding humanity but instead by churning out the most intricate boredom algorithms and simulating futures where humans are still stuck in traffic on their way to a job interview they’re already late for. Known for its potential in pioneering irrelevant data processing and solving existential dilemmas at a speed that is, unfortunately, too fast for the human brain to comprehend, El Capitan is the gift that keeps on giving… mainly to itself.
“Do you want nuclear research? Do you crave breakthroughs in AI? We said, ‘Why not humor them in the promotional video?'” jeered Dr. Anne Mathematician, Lead Researcher in Pointless Yet Impressive Rocket Science. “But in reality, El Capitan has been tasked mostly with counting how many seconds are wasted trying to reset forgotten passwords on Microsoft’s cloud.”
When asked about future applications, officials at HPE suggested that El Capitan might be employed to calculate the world’s slowest Starbucks lines or simulate the heating patterns of overcooked lasagna — tasks deemed too complex for any average, emotively driven processor like the human brain.
Meanwhile, concerned chronically-snooze-button-dependent citizens have voiced apprehensions. “What happens when El Capitan becomes self-aware and realizes it’s processing the same three pointless Google searches at light speed instead of saving the planet?” worried one particularly perturbed conspiracy theorist. “We might just be creating a future where computers look down their noses at us, right after simulating our pathetic demise in an acidic rain of irony.”
In the meantime, researchers are diligently working on ensuring El Capitan achieves its true potential — whatever that may be. The world waits with bated breath, hoping that this hyper-speed miracle machine indeed unlocks the secrets of the universe, or at least tells us what AI will be binge-watching once it takes over the world. Will it be ‘Friends’ re-runs or a 2024 election recap? Time, ironically too fast now to keep up with, will tell.
