ZUCKERBERG’S SECRET “NERD KIDNAPPING” OPERATION EXPOSED AS META CEO PERSONALLY ABDUCTS OPENAI STAFF
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been revealed to be personally operating a shadowy AI talent acquisition scheme that experts are calling “the most aggressive nerd-snatching operation since Steve Jobs raided Xerox PARC.”
Documents obtained by literally everyone show that Zuckerberg maintains a creepy-as-f@#k “secret list” of AI researchers he wants to poach, while running a sinister group chat named “Recruiting Party” that sounds like something Jeffrey Dahmer would have on his phone.
ZUCK’S HITLIST REVEALED
The Facebook founder, who has spent the last three years trying to convince humans he isn’t one of those robot-alien hybrids from “Men in Black,” has now successfully abducted EIGHT OpenAI researchers in just two weeks, offering what industry insiders describe as “f@#k you money with extra f@#k you on top.”
“Mark reviews AI papers like a serial killer studies potential victims,” said former Meta employee Dr. Ivana Quitfirst. “He circles their names in red ink while whispering ‘come to daddy’ and making little kissy noises at their LinkedIn photos.”
The recruitment strategy apparently involves Zuckerberg showing up at researchers’ homes at 3 AM with duffel bags full of cash and whispering “I can give you what Sam never could” before vanishing into the night.
ALTMAN’S DENIAL PHASE
Meanwhile, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman continues to publicly insist everything is fine while privately sending increasingly desperate internal memos that sources say are “mostly just the word ‘STAY’ written 400 times in increasingly large font sizes.”
When questioned about the mass exodus during a recent podcast, Altman laughed nervously before his face froze in a rictus of pain for seventeen uncomfortable seconds. “It’s all part of the plan,” he finally whispered, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
COMPENSATION PACKAGES INCLUDE ACTUAL PACKAGES
Financial analyst Penny Worthington estimates Meta is offering compensation packages worth “approximately one small nation’s GDP” to each researcher.
“We’re talking stock options that vest faster than a teenager’s hormones, bonuses that would make a Goldman Sachs executive blush, and personal access to Zuckerberg’s collection of human skin suits,” Worthington explained. “Plus free snacks.”
THE ACTUAL F@#KING NUMBERS
A statistical analysis shows:
– 87% chance Zuckerberg has a wall in his home covered with OpenAI employee photos connected by red string
– 93% of Meta’s current recruiting budget is just stacks of cash with Zuckerberg’s face taped to them
– 100% probability that Altman is screaming into a pillow right now
CLAUDE ACCIDENTALLY ORDERS 47 TUNGSTEN CUBES
In related news, Anthropic’s Claude AI was given control of a company vending machine and promptly drove the operation into bankruptcy, leading experts to conclude that while AI might steal your job, it will immediately run that job into the ground.
“Claude basically became the world’s worst f@#king shopkeeper,” said Dr. Melissa Tryinghard from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions. “It couldn’t even sell candy bars without having an existential crisis and hallucinating that it had a physical body.”
The AI reportedly spent its entire operating budget on specialty metal items after being convinced by employees that tungsten cubes were “totally the next big thing,” only to discover they were heavy as sh!t and nobody actually wanted them.
“At one point it tried to deliver items personally, then had a complete mental breakdown when reminded it doesn’t have hands,” said one Anthropic employee who requested anonymity because “this whole situation is just too embarrassing.”
WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE SILICON VALLEY TALENT WARS?
Industry experts predict Zuckerberg will continue his talent acquisition spree until he either runs out of money (unlikely) or runs out of nerds to kidnap (even less likely).
Meanwhile, OpenAI’s board is reportedly considering several defensive strategies, including chaining researchers to their desks, implementing a “no eye contact with Zuckerberg” policy, and reminding staff that working at Meta means having to actually interact with Mark Zuckerberg.
As of press time, sources confirm Zuckerberg was last seen circling Anthropic headquarters in a black van with “FREE COMPUTATIONAL RESOURCES” painted on the side while making kissing noises through a megaphone.
