ZUCKERBERG OFFERS SCIENTISTS YACHT FILLED WITH GOLD BARS, STILL CAN’T BUY FRIENDS
In a desperate move that screams “please like me” louder than a middle schooler’s Instagram account, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly attempted to bribe an entire AI research team with compensation packages ranging from $200 million to over $1 billion, only to be told “new phone, who dis?”
REJECTION HURTS WORSE THAN HAVING YOUR DATA HARVESTED
The elite researchers from Thinking Machines Lab, led by OpenAI’s former CTO, collectively looked at Zuckerberg’s Scrooge McDuck-sized money pile and said “nah, we’re good” in what experts are calling the most expensive ghosting since Jeff Bezos’ divorce.
“Meta essentially offered them enough money to buy several small countries or approximately four San Francisco apartments,” explained financial analyst Dr. Cash Money, who specializes in tech industry compensation packages. “The rejection proves what we’ve all suspected: scientists have souls, and souls apparently cost more than a f@#king billion dollars.”
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FINDING PEOPLE WHO WANT TO WORK FOR FACEBOOK
Industry insiders suggest the researchers declined because they preferred working on AI that might benefit humanity rather than helping Meta perfect algorithms that make teenagers feel inadequate while simultaneously radicalizing their uncles.
“Working at Meta is like being offered the chance to design a beautiful painting that will exclusively be used to advertise hemorrhoid cream,” said Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of No Sh!t Studies. “These researchers want their work to mean something beyond optimizing the delivery of targeted ads for penis enhancement pills.”
Sources close to the negotiation claim Zuckerberg sweetened the deal by offering to let researchers “touch his human skin” and “observe him consuming water like a regular person,” but apparently even these rare privileges weren’t enough to seal the deal.
THE METAVERSE: WHERE MONEY GOES TO DIE
Meta has already sunk approximately eleventy bajillion dollars into its virtual reality hellscape known as the Metaverse, where approximately 17 people worldwide go to attend virtual meetings with legless avatars.
“Zuckerberg is essentially that kid who keeps buying expensive toys hoping the cool kids will come play with him,” explained social dynamics expert Dr. Idon Tcare. “At this point, he’s offering to pay people the GDP of Luxembourg just to sit at his lunch table.”
A recent survey found that 97.3% of AI researchers would rather work for “literally anyone else” than Meta, with one anonymous scientist stating, “I’d rather train AI to write erotic fiction about household appliances than help Meta figure out how to make people feel worse about themselves while scrolling through photos of their ex’s vacation.”
MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU LOVE, BUT IT CAN BUY A YACHT TO CRY ON
As Meta’s stock continues its journey to the center of the earth, shareholders are beginning to question whether throwing cartoon-villain amounts of money at people who don’t want to work for you is a sound business strategy.
“For the cost of these failed recruitment packages, Meta could have funded free therapy for everyone traumatized by Facebook since 2004, with enough left over to buy Twitter and shut it down as a public service,” noted economist Emma Counting-Beans.
At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly considering just building his own AI researchers in a lab, as human ones clearly can’t be trusted to make rational, money-based decisions like the perfectly logical algorithm that runs his perfectly normal human brain.
