ZUCKERBERG FLASHES OBSCENE CASH STASH TO SEDUCE BRAINIACS INTO META’S DESPERATE AI MARRIAGE
Silicon Valley’s favorite robot-human hybrid Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly spent months compiling his “Hot or Not” list of AI talent, except instead of swiping right, he’s waving hundred-million-dollar checks in their faces like a divorced dad trying to buy his children’s affection.
THE THIRST IS REAL
Sources close to the Meta overlord report that Zuckerberg has been obsessively stalking LinkedIn profiles at 3 AM, muttering “mine, all mine” while compiling dossiers on every AI researcher who’s ever published a paper above a 4.2 citation index.
“It’s not technically kidnapping if they come willingly for the money,” explained Meta’s new Head of Talent Acquisition, Richard “Dick” Poacher. “We prefer to think of it as a consensual abduction facilitated by f@#king ridiculous amounts of cash.”
COMPENSATION PACKAGES INCLUDE ACTUAL PACKAGES
The reported $100 million recruitment packages have caused widespread panic among competing tech firms. According to industry insiders, the offers include not only obscene salaries but also:
– Personal humanoid robot assistants programmed to laugh at all your jokes
– A private island where you can conduct experiments banned by the Geneva Convention
– The promise to name Zuckerberg’s next child after your favorite algorithm
– An NFT of your own soul (which Zuckerberg already owns somehow)
COMPETITORS RESPOND WITH ACTUAL EMOTION
OpenAI’s Sam Altman called the move “crazy” before reportedly locking himself in a bathroom and crying into a pile of investor term sheets.
“This is completely unprecedented,” said Dr. Capita Lista, Professor of Computational Economics at Stanford. “We’re seeing compensation packages that would make professional athletes ask ‘don’t you think that’s a bit much?’ Approximately 97.8% of these recruits will spend their days optimizing Meta’s algorithm to show you more videos of people falling down stairs.”
WALL STREET ANALYSTS ACTUALLY PESSIMISTIC FOR ONCE
“Throwing $100 million at people who understand tensor flow is like paying Gordon Ramsay to microwave a Hot Pocket,” explained financial analyst Hedda Fundz. “Sure, he’ll do it better than you, but is that really where you want your money going?”
Meanwhile, reports suggest Google executives are considering more creative retention strategies, including actually making their workplace not terrible and reinstating the free snack policy.
THE HUMAN COST
According to completely made-up statistics, 78% of families of recruited AI researchers report their loved ones now exclusively communicate through mathematical notation and have developed a strange habit of referring to everyday objects as “interesting datasets.”
“My husband hasn’t made eye contact with me since he got the offer letter,” confided one anonymous spouse. “He just keeps muttering about ‘optimization parameters’ while staring at his bank account.”
At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly considering extending his talent search to include promising high school science fair winners, laboratory primates with above-average problem-solving skills, and at least one particularly gifted octopus.
