# ZUCKERBERG DUMPS $15 BILLION INTO AI AFTER DISCOVERING WHAT “AI” ACTUALLY STANDS FOR
Mark Zuckerberg, the man who turned stalking your high school crush into a multi-billion dollar industry, has reportedly discovered that “AI” doesn’t stand for “Absolutely Ignorable” and is now throwing money at it like a divorced dad at a strip club.
DESPERATE TECH BRO BUYS FRIENDSHIP FOR $15 BILLION
In what experts are calling “the most expensive attempt to sit at the cool kids’ table,” Meta has invested $15 billion in an “AI superintelligence” team featuring salaries that make professional athletes look like they work at Wendy’s. The company also acquired a 49% stake in Scale AI and hired its 28-year-old founder, Alexandr Wang, who just happens to be OpenAI chief Sam Altman’s former roommate.
“This is classic Zuckerberg,” explained Dr. Obvious Compensation, Head of Pathetic Tech Psychology at the Institute for Rich People Problems. “When you can’t innovate, just buy whoever is friends with the people actually making progress. It’s like paying to hang out with the quarterback’s buddies because he won’t return your texts.”
GOOGLE THROWS TEMPER TANTRUM, TAKES BALL AND GOES HOME
Upon learning of Meta’s investment in Scale AI, Google, Scale’s largest customer, reportedly had a corporate meltdown that would make any toddler proud. The tech giant immediately announced it was ending its relationship with Scale faster than Taylor Swift dumps boyfriends.
“We’re not saying we’re jealous, but we’re absolutely f@#king jealous,” didn’t actually say an unnamed Google executive who doesn’t exist. “How dare our vendor take money from our archnemesis? That’s like our girlfriend hanging out with the guy who stole our lunch money in high school.”
TWENTY-SOMETHING GENIUS SELLS SOUL FOR SLIGHTLY MORE THAN AVERAGE RATE
Scale’s founder Alexandr Wang, at the tender age of 28, will now bring Meta his extensive knowledge of what every other AI company is doing, effectively making him the tech world’s biggest tattletale.
“It’s not corporate espionage if you’re just really good friends with everyone,” explained Professor Ethics B. Damned of Silicon Valley Community College. “It’s more like being the gossip columnist at a high school newspaper, except instead of writing about who kissed whom behind the bleachers, you’re selling trillion-dollar industry secrets.”
A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO AVOID BECOMING THE NEXT MYSPACE
Industry analysts believe Meta’s massive investment is primarily motivated by Zuckerberg’s recurring nightmare where he wakes up screaming “TOM FROM MYSPACE IS COMING FOR ME!”
“Our studies show that 97.4% of Meta’s business decisions are based on Zuckerberg’s deep-seated fear of irrelevance,” claimed Dr. Stan Tistical-Analysis, who has conducted zero actual research. “The remaining 2.6% are based on his belief that human emotions can be cataloged and monetized like Pokemon cards.”
WHAT THE F@#K HAPPENS NEXT?
Meta’s newly formed “AI superintelligence” team will reportedly focus on creating algorithms that can finally explain to Zuckerberg why nobody under 40 uses Facebook anymore.
Meanwhile, Scale AI employees are celebrating their newfound wealth by doing what any sensible tech worker would: updating their LinkedIn profiles and sending resumes to literally any other company that might hire them before the inevitable Meta culture crusher destroys their will to live.
In related news, your aunt is still posting minion memes on Facebook, blissfully unaware that the platform’s owner just spent enough money to end world hunger because he’s scared of being left out of the next tech revolution. Holy sh!t, the future is stupid.
