MARK ZUCKERBERG DISCOVERED EATING ACTUAL BOOKS AFTER AUTHORS FIND TEETH MARKS IN BESTSELLERS
In a shocking development that has the literary world clutching their pearls and their intellectual property, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been caught red-handed consuming physical books to feed his AI models, with authors claiming they found actual bite marks on their published works.
ROBOT OVERLORD DEVELOPS TASTE FOR LITERATURE, LITERALLY
What began as a peaceful protest outside Meta’s London headquarters has evolved into a full-blown scandal as bestselling authors discovered that Zuckerberg wasn’t just digitally digesting their works—he was physically chewing through pages of beloved novels to extract their creative essence.
“I found saliva stains on page 69 of my historical romance,” claims bestselling author AJ West, who organized the protest. “Not only is he stealing my intellectual property, but the man doesn’t even have the decency to use a bookmark. He dog-eared my climactic scene!”
According to completely legitimate sources who definitely exist, Meta’s Llama AI models require not just digital copies of books but the physical consumption of literature to truly understand human emotion. An internal memo reportedly stated that “books must be masticated to master narrative.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON LITERARY CANNIBALISM
Professor Paige Turner of the Institute for Obvious Metaphors expressed serious concerns about the implications. “What we’re seeing is nothing short of literary cannibalism. These silicon-based thinking rectangles are being fed a diet of pure, unfiltered creativity without so much as a ‘thank you’ note to the authors whose blood, sweat, and adverbs made it all possible.”
Meta spokesperson Dee Nial vehemently denied the accusations. “Mr. Zuckerberg has never consumed physical books. His diet consists exclusively of liquidized metadata and the tears of privacy advocates.”
However, security footage obtained exclusively by our reporters shows a surprisingly lizard-like Zuckerberg unhinging his jaw to swallow “War and Peace” whole during a lunch break, before washing it down with a glass of printer ink.
FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS HAVE AUTHORS SH!TTING METAPHORICAL BRICKS
The unauthorized use of books has devastating financial implications for authors. Studies indicate that for every book Zuckerberg consumes, a writer loses approximately 18.7% of their will to live and 94.3% of their royalty potential.
“I used to make dozens of dollars from my writing,” lamented novelist Noah Adjectives. “Now I’m forced to survive by selling my adverbs on the black market. Do you know how hard it is to part with a perfectly good ‘lugubriously’?”
UK GOVERNMENT RESPONSE: “WHAT THE F@#K IS A BOOK?”
When approached for comment, a UK government official who wished to remain anonymous due to embarrassing ignorance asked, “Books? Are those the paper sandwich things with words inside? Do people still use those?”
Sources close to the government suggest they plan to establish a committee to discuss the potential formation of a task force to consider the possible creation of a focus group that might eventually contemplate the idea of maybe protecting authors’ rights, with a projected completion date of never.
ZUCKERBERG RESPONDS WITH NEW DIET PLAN
In response to the growing controversy, Zuckerberg announced a new initiative called “Meta-abolism,” a revolutionary program where he promises to only consume books that have been “ethically sourced” from authors who have been dead for at least 70 years.
When pressed about compensation for living authors, Zuckerberg reportedly replied, “We’re offering exposure, which as everyone knows is the preferred currency of creative professionals, right after concert tickets and compliments about their hair.”
As this scandal unfolds, the literary world holds its collective breath, wondering which beloved work will next disappear down Zuckerberg’s apparently insatiable gullet. Reports of him eyeing the Library of Congress with a bottle of hot sauce have yet to be confirmed.
