“Mark Zuckerberg Declares 2025 the Year of ‘Big Things,’ Leaves 2024 to Fend for Itself”
In a deeply unanticipated move that shocked absolutely no one, Meta’s supreme overlord Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company’s fourth-quarter revenue hit a quaint little $48.39 billion, all while doing that quirky little smile that says, “We only slightly stalk you through your smart fridge.” Analysts in Silicon Valley, otherwise known as the Temple of Eternal Disruption, had pegged revenue projections at $46.9 billion, meaning Meta blew past expectations like a rogue TikTok trend no one wanted but couldn’t escape.
Zuckerberg, clad in what we can only assume were $900 “casual” sweatpants, emerged like a tech oracle after the stock market had already closed, leaving investors in suspense longer than a Bachelor season finale. “This is going to be a really big year,” Zuck proclaimed to analysts with the kind of unhinged optimism usually reserved for someone who’s just bought their first Bitcoin. “We continue to make good progress on AI, glasses, and the future of social media,” he added, casually glossing over the fact that his company’s primary revenue stream still involves serving you ads for shoes you mentioned in passing two weeks ago to a friend.
For anyone keeping score, among Meta’s “big progress” is its bold push into AI, which at this point might as well be code for “Let’s throw billions at making machines smarter while humans endlessly argue over whether pineapple belongs on pizza.” And then there’s the glasses. Oh, the glasses. Meta’s work on turning eyewear into some kind of dystopian Pokémon GO accessory continues to roll forward at the pace of an elderly turtle, with Zuckerberg hoping to someday sell you augmented reality specs that say, “You’re out of coffee,” right before suggesting an ad for Starbucks.
“It’s not just glasses—it’s *the* glasses,” a fictional Meta spokesperson said between bites of their keto-friendly kale cube. “By 2025, everyone will wonder how they ever lived without being able to see real-time metrics on the number of likes their face is getting as they walk down the street.”
But seriously, the real party trick is Zuckerberg’s enthusiasm for building “the future of social media,” a future that basically involves remaking the internet into a giant Meta-branded hamster wheel while keeping us all perpetually distracted by algorithmically curated videos of people falling off trampolines. Critics—otherwise known as anyone who has accidentally opened Facebook in the last five years—remain skeptical, citing Meta’s uncanny ability to ignore the fact that teenagers now see Instagram as “what my mom looks at instead of calling me.”
Wall Street, of course, was thrilled, not because they care about glasses or AI or the ethics of targeted ads, but because $48.39 billion means more yachts and smaller, sleeker helicopter pads. “These earnings reaffirm Meta’s place at the mountain top,” said Larry Blitzen, a fictional tech analyst who once mistook blockchain for artisanal pasta. “Plus, glasses! Who doesn’t love glasses? They make us look smart. Or rich. Or both.”
On a parting note, Zuckerberg hinted at grander things ahead in 2025 while subtly implying 2024 might as well be a vaporwave-themed screensaver. “This is going to be big. Really big,” he reiterated, arms outstretched like a man about to either unveil a new product or start the world’s dullest magic trick.
For now, we can only wait to see what Meta serves up next—a world-changing innovation that redefines human connectivity, or another filter that makes your cat look like Darth Vader. Place your bets, people.
