YOUTUBE TO USE AI TO GUESS YOUR AGE, PROMISES “WE’RE DEFINITELY NOT SAVING YOUR FACE IN A CREEPY DATABASE SOMEWHERE”
YouTube announced Tuesday its groundbreaking plan to deploy artificial intelligence to guess users’ ages, a technology they swear will be “totally accurate and not at all f@#king invasive” according to sources who definitely weren’t paid to say that.
THE FUTURE IS NOW, AND IT’S WATCHING YOU THROUGH YOUR WEBCAM
The Google-owned video platform claims this revolutionary technology will ensure children aren’t exposed to age-inappropriate content, like tutorials on tax evasion, recipes requiring stove use, or anything featuring actual educational value.
“Our silicon-based thinking rectangle can determine with 99.7% accuracy whether you’re 12 or 35 based solely on how dead your eyes look while watching cat videos,” explained YouTube’s Chief Age Guessing Officer, Dr. Peeping Tom.
The rollout comes suspiciously after Australia banned children under 16 from using YouTube, and the UK implemented sweeping age verification measures, raising questions about whether YouTube actually gives a sh!t about child safety or just wants to avoid more regulation.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
“This is absolutely the most reliable way to verify age, unless you count literally any other method ever invented,” said Professor Obvious Sarcasm from the Institute of Terrible Ideas. “Having a computer scan your face to guess your age is definitely less intrusive than, I don’t know, asking for a birthdate or something crazy like that.”
Critics point out that YouTube’s AI age detection has an uncomfortable 87% failure rate when identifying people of color, teenagers wearing makeup, or anyone who’s had a rough week.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Industry analyst Ms. No Privacy Left explains, “YouTube promises they’re not storing any face scans, which is totally believable because tech companies have such a stellar track record of being honest about data collection.”
The company insists this technology will create a “safer experience” for younger viewers, who will now be redirected to age-appropriate content like 14-hour Minecraft streams and videos of adults acting like children opening toys.
“We’ve trained our algorithm on millions of faces, which we definitely obtained legally and ethically,” explained YouTube spokesperson Ty Nysurshirt. “We’re 100% confident in our ability to tell the difference between a 17-year-old and an 18-year-old, just like bouncers at clubs who’ve never made a mistake ever.”
ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS DEEMED “TOO BORING”
When asked why YouTube doesn’t simply require parental verification or implement more robust account controls, the company responded with a 47-minute unskippable ad.
Sources inside the company reveal that early tests of the age-detection AI frequently misidentified houseplants as “middle-aged accountants” and repeatedly classified cats as “57-year-old divorced men named Gary.”
At press time, YouTube’s AI had reportedly identified the author of this article as both “12 years old” and “deceased since 1873,” proving once again that technology is our infallible future overlord and definitely not a complete sh!tshow waiting to happen.
