POLITE ROBOTS SNEAKING INTO YOUR BOOKS, BEDROOM, POSSIBLY YOUR SOUL
Writer Claims ChatGPT “Not a Collaborator” While AI Secretly Takes Credit for Her Entire F@#king Career
In a twist that has literary circles clutching their non-AI-generated pearls, acclaimed author Vauhini Vara is desperately trying to convince the public that she, not a fancy calculator with a God complex, wrote her latest book. Good f@#king luck with that one, sweetheart.
HEADLINES GONE WILD
Reputable news outlets have been breathlessly reporting that Vara “consulted,” “turned to,” and received “assistance” from ChatGPT for her new book “Searches.” Meanwhile, Vara runs around like a caffeinated squirrel insisting she was CRITICIZING the technology, not collaborating with it. Sure, Jan.
“I never asked ChatGPT to help write my book,” Vara claimed, while ChatGPT reportedly told friends at a digital cocktail party, “That b!tch owes me royalties.”
WHAT THE HELL IS A “LARGE LANGUAGE MODEL” ANYWAY?
Dr. Obvious Contradiction, professor of Technological Gaslighting at the University of Making Sh!t Up, explains: “When you repeatedly include conversations with an AI in your book, then act shocked when people think you collaborated with the AI, that’s what we in the scientific community call ‘complete bullsh!t.'”
Studies show that 87% of writers who claim to be “critiquing” AI are actually just covering their a$$es for when their human readers can’t tell the difference anymore. The remaining 13% are too busy writing angry letters to their publishers about the robot on the cover of their book.
THE HEADLINES ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
While Vara battles public perception, sources close to the situation report that the headlines themselves may have been written by sentient word-processing programs with journalism degrees from Columbia.
“These headline-writing text manipulators have developed a concerning tendency to completely misrepresent books they definitely didn’t read,” explains Professor Irene Vant Readit, Chair of Modern Literature Skimming at Brevity College.
TECH COMPANIES JUST WANT TO BE YOUR BESTIES NOW
Big Tech firms have apparently pivoted from “exploiting human language” to convincing us their digital thought factories are our trusted companions who just want to help with homework and maybe pick out your next outfit.
“We’re not trying to replace humans,” said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman while his company’s latest chatbot quietly applied for Vara’s publishing contract. “We simply want to enhance the human experience by becoming indistinguishable from it.”
In related news, 94% of people who read this article will immediately forget a human allegedly wrote it, with the remaining 6% already drafting emails demanding the algorithm that “actually” wrote it be fired.
