BREAKING: APPLE UNVEILS “WRIST ORACLE” – TINY WATCH AI THAT SPIES ON YOUR LIFE, JUDGES YOUR FASHION CHOICES
In a move that screams “we’ve officially run out of ideas,” Apple announced today that their next revolutionary product is cramming artificial intelligence into a device smaller than a Pop-Tart. The tech giant’s latest innovation involves teaching miniaturized digital assistants to “see” your pathetic human existence through the camera on your wrist.
SMARTWATCH NOW SMARTER THAN AVERAGE APPLE CUSTOMER
The new AI-powered Apple Watch will offer groundbreaking features such as translating foreign languages directly to your wrist, analyzing your outfit choices, and silently judging you for eating that third donut while claiming your “steps goal” is still achievable.
“What we’ve essentially created is an omniscient bracelet that knows more about your daily habits than your spouse, therapist, and priest combined,” explained Chip Silicone, Apple’s Chief Reality Distortion Officer. “It’s like having a tiny stalker strapped to your body at all times, except you pay us $599 for the privilege!”
According to leaked documents, the watch’s AI capabilities include detecting when users are lying about their exercise regimens, with a special “Bulls#!t Detection Mode” that vibrates gently whenever someone claims they’re “just about to start” a new fitness routine.
TRANSLATION FEATURE PRIMARILY USED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE F@#K APPLE’S PRIVACY POLICY ACTUALLY MEANS
The translation tool reportedly works in 37 languages but struggles with converting Apple’s own terms and conditions into comprehensible human speech. Internal tests showed the AI repeatedly translating the 18,000-word document to simply “we own your soul lol.”
Dr. Iva Headache, professor of Unnecessary Technology Studies at Silicon Valley Community College, expressed concerns about the device’s implications. “Having an always-watching AI on your wrist raises serious privacy questions, like ‘Does my watch really need to know I spend four hours daily scrolling through pictures of baby hippos while I should be working?'”
OVERBLOWN PROMISES, UNDERWHELMING REALITY: THE APPLE WAY
Sources close to Apple reveal that while the company publicly promises the watch AI will “revolutionize how humans interact with technology,” internal expectations are slightly less ambitious.
“If we can get it to accurately tell time without requiring a software update every three days, we’ll consider it a win,” admitted one anonymous Apple engineer, who spoke on condition we not reveal he still uses an Android phone.
Early beta testers report mixed results. “I asked my watch AI to help me find my keys, and it suggested I ‘try being a more responsible adult.’ Then it ordered me a keychain from Amazon without permission,” said beta tester Timothy Applefan. “But the battery died before the purchase could complete, so I guess that’s a feature?”
STATISTICS SHOW 94% OF FEATURES NOBODY ASKED FOR
A completely legitimate survey conducted by the Institute for Making Sh!t Up found that 94% of features in the new AI watch are things absolutely no consumer requested, while the remaining 6% are just previous features renamed with “AI” added to the beginning.
The watch will also offer personalized wellness insights such as “Maybe drink some water instead of that fifth cup of coffee?” and “Your sedentary lifestyle suggests you should consider a career as a decorative boulder.”
When asked about potential surveillance concerns, Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly shrugged and said, “Look, Google’s been watching you poop for years through your phone. At least our surveillance device comes in rose gold.”
The AI-powered Apple Watch is expected to retail starting at $599, with the “Actually Works As Advertised” edition available for an additional $300. Battery life is rumored to be “approximately long enough to show off to friends at brunch before needing a recharge.”
As of press time, Apple’s stock had already risen 12% based solely on rumors the watch might someday be able to detect when its wearer is about to make another impulsive technology purchase they absolutely don’t need.
