MEN SHOCKED TO DISCOVER WOMEN EXIST OUTSIDE KITCHENS AND CAN ACTUALLY DO JOBS

Corporate America Surprised That Removing Irrelevant B.S. From Job Listings Unleashes Tsunami of Female Talent

SILICON VALLEY—In what experts are calling “no f@#king sh!t,” LinkedIn recently discovered that when companies stop requiring candidates to have seventeen Ph.D.s, speak twelve languages, code in their sleep, and possess thirty years of experience for entry-level positions, women actually apply for jobs.

THE GROUNDBREAKING DISCOVERY

LinkedIn’s revolutionary data shows that focusing on skills rather than arbitrary credentials increases female applicant pools by 6x globally, leaving HR departments absolutely gobsmacked that women exist in the workforce.

“We’ve been scratching our heads for decades wondering where all the qualified women were hiding,” said Todd Whiteman, Chief Talent Officer at TechBro Industries. “Turns out they were right there all along, just not interested in our ridiculous job requirements that have nothing to do with actual job performance. Who could have possibly predicted this outcome? Besides literally every woman alive?”

MALE EXECUTIVES REQUIRE SMELLING SALTS

The revelation that women might possess actual skills without having the exact career path outlined in job descriptions has sent shockwaves through boardrooms worldwide.

“I nearly fainted when I realized women might be qualified based on what they can DO rather than whether they followed an identical life path to mine,” said Charles Mansplainer, CEO of DudeBro Technologies. “Next you’ll tell me they can read and do math too!”

Dr. Obvious Reality, professor of No-Shit Studies at the University of Common Sense, noted: “Companies have been fishing in a puddle while complaining about talent shortages, then act surprised when they discover there’s an ocean of candidates when they stop being dumb@sses about hiring.”

REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT: SKILLS OVER CREDENTIALS

The breakthrough approach—known in scientific circles as “not being stupidly rigid”—involves the radical concept of evaluating candidates based on their abilities rather than checking arbitrary boxes.

A survey of 427 top executives found that 98% were “utterly shocked” to discover that requiring an MBA from only three acceptable universities might be limiting their talent pool. The remaining 2% were women who’d been saying this for decades.

“We’ve been telling these idiots for YEARS that their hiring processes were exclusionary,” said Jennifer Competent, who has applied for 342 executive positions despite being told she lacked “cultural fit,” which HR insiders confirm is code for “doesn’t play golf or have a penis.”

WOMEN RESPOND WITH COLLECTIVE EYE-ROLL

Women worldwide responded to the LinkedIn findings with what researchers quantify as “the longest, most exhausted sigh in human history.”

“You mean focusing on what I can actually DO rather than whether I followed some arbitrary career checklist increases my chances?” said Sarah Skills, a technology director with fifteen years of experience who was previously rejected for lacking “executive presence,” which hiring managers privately define as “tall man in suit who reminds me of my father.”

COMPANIES RELUCTANTLY CONSIDER CHANGE

Some forward-thinking companies are cautiously implementing this radical approach while expressing concerns.

“But if we hire based on skills, how will we ensure we only get candidates who think exactly like us?” wondered Bradley Privilege, founder of StatusQuo Technologies. “What if we accidentally hire someone with new ideas? That could be catastrophic.”

According to an imaginary study we just made up, companies implementing skills-based hiring are 87% more likely to survive the next decade, 92% more likely to innovate, and 100% more likely to avoid becoming a business school case study in failure.

THE ECONOMIC IMPACT

Economic analysts predict that tapping into the vast pool of qualified women could boost the global economy by trillions, potentially solving major world problems, though experts caution this might come at the devastating cost of men having to share power.

“The economic benefits are undeniable, but we must consider the serious downside: men might have to acknowledge women as equals,” said Economics Professor Ivor Bias. “Studies show this could reduce mansplaining by up to 74%, potentially destroying the entire podcasting industry.”

At press time, several Fortune 500 companies were reportedly investigating whether this same revolutionary approach might also work for people of color, causing multiple executives to require medical attention upon hearing the suggestion.