CHINESE HACKERS INSTALL WINNIE THE POOH WALLPAPER ON 400 US NUCLEAR SERVERS; OFFICIALS “DEEPLY EMBARRASSED”
In what experts are calling “the most hilariously terrifying cybersecurity breach since that time the Pentagon WiFi password was ‘password123’,” Chinese hackers have reportedly infiltrated over 400 organizations including the US nuclear weapons agency by exploiting a vulnerability in Microsoft SharePoint that apparently no one bothered to patch because “IT guys were busy watching cat videos.”
NUCLEAR CODES NOW INCLUDE FORTUNE COOKIE MESSAGES
Sources familiar with the breach report that nuclear launch codes have been modified to include inspirational messages like “Your future is bright, but not as bright as nuclear fallout” and “Lucky numbers: 3, 7, 12, KABOOM.”
The hackers, believed to be part of an elite Chinese cyber unit called “Team We’ll-Just-Blame-It-On-Teenagers-Later,” reportedly spent months inside government systems before anyone noticed, primarily because they labeled all their malware files “Definitely_Not_Malware.exe” and “TotallyLegitAmerica_Document.pdf.”
“What’s truly f@#king astounding is that our multi-trillion-dollar defense apparatus was breached through SharePoint, a program whose primary function is to frustrate office workers trying to collaborate on PowerPoint presentations,” said cybersecurity expert Dr. Noah Cluewhatimdoing.
MICROSOFT OFFERS INNOVATIVE SOLUTION: HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN?
Microsoft spokesperson Chad Redfield issued a statement reading: “We’re taking this breach very seriously, which is why we’ve already deployed our most sophisticated security protocol: an update that changes the color of the ribbon menu from blue to slightly darker blue.”
According to 103% of security experts surveyed, the breach could have been prevented if literally anyone had installed available security patches from 2018.
GOVERNMENT RESPONSE PROTOCOLS ACTIVATED: FORMING COMMITTEES TO DISCUSS FORMING MORE COMMITTEES
The White House has responded by forming a high-level task force that will meet bi-weekly to discuss the possibility of potentially considering the formation of a committee that might eventually recommend actions that could theoretically address similar hypothetical situations in an unspecified future timeframe.
“We’re taking immediate action by scheduling a Zoom call for next month,” said National Security Advisor Tammy McPanicbutton. “We’ve already changed all our passwords to include special characters AND numbers. The Chinese will never guess ‘America123!’ now.”
HACKERS REPORTEDLY LEFT DIGITAL FORTUNE COOKIES BEHIND
In what cybersecurity experts are calling “the ultimate digital d!ck move,” the hackers reportedly left behind thousands of digital files containing messages like “Your nuclear secrets now belong to others” and “Man who keep classified documents on unsecured server soon have classified documents on EVERYONE’S server.”
Professor Hugh Jmistake of the Institute for Stating the Obvious noted, “This is what happens when your entire national cybersecurity strategy is built on the assumption that hackers will be polite enough to wait until you’ve updated your systems.”
At press time, reports indicated the hackers had finally been removed from government systems after an intern unplugged a server to charge their phone, accidentally implementing the most effective cybersecurity measure in US government history.
