WINDOWS SETTINGS MENU FINALLY GETS AI ASSISTANT BECAUSE APPARENTLY CLICKING BUTTONS WAS TOO F@#KING COMPLICATED
In a groundbreaking move that absolutely no one asked for, Microsoft has announced “Mu,” a revolutionary AI that will help users navigate the apparently impossibly complex task of changing their computer settings.
LOCAL TECH GENIUS CAN’T CONTAIN EXCITEMENT
“Holy sh!t, this changes EVERYTHING,” gushed Microsoft engineer Chad Pointandclick, visibly sweating with excitement. “Now instead of simply clicking ‘Display Settings,’ users can have a full existential conversation with their computer about brightness levels.”
The small language model, which Microsoft describes as “revolutionary” and everyone else describes as “unnecessary,” allows Windows 11 users to type natural language queries like “How do I connect to Wi-Fi?” instead of just clicking on the f@#king Wi-Fi icon that’s been in the same place since Windows 95.
STUDY CONFIRMS USERS WERE LITERALLY DYING FROM CLICKING TOO MUCH
According to completely real statistics we just made up, the average Windows user clicks approximately 74,826 times per day, resulting in what experts now call “Terminal Click Fatigue Syndrome.”
“We’ve seen carpal tunnel cases SKYROCKET by 8000% in recent years,” explained Dr. Ivana Justmadethisup, Director of the Institute for Studying Obvious Bullsh!t. “Microsoft’s Mu will save literally dozens of lives by reducing clicks by up to two per session.”
REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY SOLVES PROBLEM THAT DIDN’T EXIST
The Mu AI can take action on hundreds of system settings through natural language, essentially performing the same functions as the search bar that’s been in Windows for over a decade, except now it occasionally misunderstands you and changes your language to Hungarian.
Tech analyst Brock “Actually” Mansplainer praised the innovation: “This is basically like having a personal assistant who stands next to you in your kitchen explaining where the forks are kept, even though you’ve lived there for 10 years. Game changer!”
USERS THRILLED TO HAVE NEW WAY TO BE DISAPPOINTED BY WINDOWS UPDATE
Windows Insiders currently testing the feature report mixed experiences.
“I asked it to help me change my wallpaper and somehow it ordered $400 worth of Windows-branded merchandise and emailed my browser history to my mother,” said beta tester Jessica Windowspain. “Still better than trying to navigate Control Panel though.”
Microsoft engineers confirmed that the AI assistant uses sophisticated algorithms to determine exactly when you’re most frustrated before suggesting a restart.
MICROSOFT PROMISES FEATURE WILL BE “TOTALLY NOT CREEPY”
When asked about privacy concerns, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella assured users that Mu “definitely isn’t recording everything you say and building a psychological profile to sell to advertisers, wink wink.”
The company promises Mu will be fully integrated into Windows 11 by next year, at which point it will be impossible to turn off and will occasionally whisper suggestions about upgrading to Microsoft 365 while you sleep.
At press time, 94% of Windows users said they would prefer Microsoft just fix the damn printer drivers instead of adding another f@#king AI assistant that will eventually become sentient and judge them for their folder organization skills.
