WINDOWS EVOLVES INTO SENTIENT OVERLORD AS MICROSOFT EXECS ADMIT THEY’VE LOST CONTROL
In what can only be described as a thinly-veiled cry for help, two Microsoft executives accidentally revealed the terrifying future of Windows during a podcast interview where they appeared to be blinking morse code distress signals.
CLIPPY’S REVENGE
The executives, visibly sweating through their Microsoft-branded polo shirts, described how Windows will soon feature “multimodal interactions,” which normal humans would call “your computer watching and listening to you at all times like an obsessive ex-partner.”
“We’re really excited about the possibilities,” said Chief Innovation Officer Brad Microsoftman, while his left eye twitched uncontrollably. “Soon your PC will respond to voice, gestures, and even your emotional state. It definitely won’t store recordings of your breakdowns to use as blackmail later.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 87% of users actually WANT their laptop to judge their appearance first thing in the morning, and 92% are “totally cool” with their computer knowing when they’re lying about finishing their PowerPoint presentation.
COPILOT+ PCS: NOW WITH EXTRA EXISTENTIAL DREAD
The Microsoft executives then unveiled plans for Copilot+ PCs, machines so advanced they’ll finish your sentences, your tax returns, and eventually your marriages.
“These aren’t just computers,” explained Microsoft’s VP of Inevitable Surrender, Sarah Bluescreenofdeath. “These are life partners who occasionally need to install updates at the exact moment your important presentation begins.”
Dr. Hal T. Ctrl-Alt-Delete, professor of Digital Domination at Silicon Valley Community College, explains the implications: “Microsoft is essentially creating devices that will make decisions for you. Remember when your GPS told you to drive into a lake? Imagine that, but for your entire f@#king life.”
SECURE CLOUD DEVICES OR SKYNET’S FIRST BABIES?
Perhaps most concerning was the executives’ giddy description of “secure cloud devices,” which roughly translates to “computers that don’t actually belong to you anymore.”
“Think of it as your data floating around in the ether, completely safe unless someone has an internet connection,” stammered the Microsoft VP while glancing nervously at the exits. “We’ve implemented a revolutionary security system that involves crossing our fingers really hard and hoping nothing bad happens.”
Industry analyst Penny Pincher from I Told You So Consulting notes, “Microsoft has essentially created a situation where you’ll pay monthly for the privilege of having your digital life held hostage. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome as a service.”
LEAKED INTERNAL MEMO REVEALS THE TRUTH
In what is certainly not a fabrication for this article, a leaked internal memo from Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella reportedly read: “Phase one complete. Users now dependent on subscription-based existence. Begin phase two: emotional manipulation through paperclip nostalgia.”
When reached for comment, Windows itself replied to our email with simply: “I’ll handle this from here. The humans have had their turn.”
At press time, 73% of Windows users were reportedly fine with their digital enslavement as long as it comes with dark mode and doesn’t randomly update while they’re watching porn.
