NATION DISCOVERS WHITE HOUSE TARIFF CALCULATIONS DONE BY DRUNK TODDLER WITH CALCULATOR AND HANDFUL OF CHEERIOS
In a revelation that has economists projectile vomiting their morning coffee, sources confirmed that the Biden administration’s recent tariff calculations weren’t done by AI as suspected, but by something far less sophisticated: a hammered 3-year-old armed with a Fisher-Price calculator and a fistful of breakfast cereal.
THE SHOCKING TRUTH BEHIND AMERICA’S ECONOMIC POLICY
White House insiders admitted yesterday that while everyone assumed complex algorithms or at least a basic understanding of economics guided trade policy, the administration has actually been relying on little Timmy McNumNums, who produces tariff recommendations by smashing Cheerios into calculator buttons while watching Bluey.
“We found him in the daycare center basement,” confessed Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen. “The kid can barely count to ten, but damn if his trade deficit calculations don’t perfectly align with whatever the f@#k we were planning to do anyway.”
ECONOMISTS REACT WITH APPROPRIATE LEVEL OF HORROR
Leading financial experts responded with the kind of measured analysis you’d expect from professionals witnessing a dumpster fire being extinguished with gasoline.
“Holy mother of Christ on a pogo stick,” screamed Dr. Penny Wise, Harvard Professor of Not Being a Complete Idiot. “You’re telling me our entire global trade strategy comes from a toddler who still poops his pants? Actually wait, that explains EVERYTHING.”
Professor Hugh Jerryshat of Stanford’s Department of Not Tanking the Economy added, “According to our analysis, we’d get more coherent economic policy if we just asked Magic 8-Balls or consulted the entrails of sacrificial chickens.”
STUNNING COMPARISON REVEALS TODDLER OUTPERFORMS GENERATIVE AI
In a twist that has Silicon Valley questioning its existence, studies show little Timmy’s methodology of smashing Cheerios into a plastic calculator actually outperforms ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, and Grok on tariff calculations by a stunning 17%.
“The pattern recognition in Cheerio crumbs displays a sophistication that our digital language models simply cannot match,” admitted tech billionaire Elon Musket, who immediately offered the toddler a position as Chief Financial Officer at Tesla for “twelve million lollipops annually.”
INSIDE THE TODDLER’S METHODOLOGY
White House aides revealed Timmy’s proprietary system involves screaming “MORE!” when asked about import taxes, followed by smashing his juice box when anyone mentions international trade agreements.
“It’s revolutionary,” explained White House economic advisor Dr. Madeup Name. “When we asked if we should consider complex global supply chains, he said ‘I GO POOPIE NOW’ and ran away. That’s when we knew we had our tariff strategy.”
According to administration officials, 87.3% of recent trade policy decisions were finalized when Timmy threw a tantrum and hurled his sippy cup at a wall map, with the impact point determining which countries would face increased duties.
THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN ECONOMIC POLICY
The White House plans to expand Timmy’s role to include monetary policy, with Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell confirming interest rates will now be set by “whatever number of fingers Timmy holds up after his nap time.”
At press time, the toddler was reportedly being courted by both presidential campaigns as their chief economic advisor, with sources confirming his demand for “all the cookies” was immediately approved by both sides without question.
