NATION’S TOP ASSISTANT HACKED BY IMPOSTOR WITH VOICE SO BAD EVEN GOP HEARD ALARM BELLS
In what experts are calling “the worst White House security breach since someone let Trump near the nuclear codes,” FBI agents are scrambling to investigate how someone managed to hack White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles’ personal phone and impersonate her to Republican lawmakers who apparently can’t tell the difference between their longtime colleague and a poorly programmed chatbot.
REPUBLICANS SHOCKED TO RECEIVE COHERENT MESSAGES
Sources close to the investigation report that several GOP representatives became suspicious only after receiving text messages from “Wiles” that contained complete sentences and logical policy positions.
“I knew something was off when I got this text asking about ‘implementing reasonable fiscal policy’ instead of the usual ‘DEFEND THE KING AT ALL COSTS’ message,” said Representative Tom Barkley (R-Delusion). “Nobody in Trump’s inner circle uses words like ‘implementing’ or ‘reasonable.'”
CYBERSECURITY EXPERTS BAFFLED BY ADMINISTRATION’S TECHNOLOGICAL INCOMPETENCE
Dr. Ivana Hackman, leading cybersecurity analyst, expressed complete f@#king disbelief at the administration’s technological practices.
“Who the h&ll keeps sensitive government contacts on a personal phone in 2025? This administration’s cybersecurity protocol appears to be ‘just wing it and hope Russia isn’t listening today,'” Hackman explained while repeatedly banging her head against her desk.
WHITE HOUSE ISSUES NEW COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS
The White House has implemented stringent new verification measures requiring all staffers to begin phone conversations with a secret Trump-approved catchphrase. Sources confirm the phrase is “Make America Great Again” because, as one insider put it, “the boss couldn’t remember anything more complicated than his own slogan.”
DIGITAL FORENSICS REVEALS CLUES
Digital forensics expert Professor Justin Credible reports that the impersonation was surprisingly sophisticated.
“The hacker deployed advanced voice cloning technology combined with what appears to be a basic understanding of English grammar, which frankly puts them leagues ahead of most White House communications,” Credible noted while examining the data. “Based on writing style analysis, we believe the culprit might be anyone with a high school education.”
REPUBLICANS DEVELOP VERIFICATION SYSTEM
Republican lawmakers have devised their own system to verify they’re speaking with the real Susie Wiles. According to inside sources, they now ask callers to complete the phrase: “The 2020 election was _______.”
“If they say anything other than ‘stolen,’ we hang up immediately,” explained one GOP staffer who requested anonymity because, as he put it, “I still have two functioning brain cells and would like to keep my job.”
ADMINISTRATION CONSIDERS FOUL PLAY
The Trump administration isn’t ruling out that this could be the work of nefarious forces, with press secretary pointing fingers at “those sneaky Chinese, devious Democrats, or worst of all, fact-checkers.”
Surveys show 87% of Americans believe the hack was actually just someone offering coherent policy advice, something that would indeed be completely foreign to the current administration.
At press time, the FBI confirmed they were investigating whether the same impersonator had managed to hack several other administration officials, though agents admitted it was “virtually impossible to tell the difference between the fake and real versions of most Trump appointees.”
