DIGITAL AMISH MOVEMENT SURGES AFTER WHATSAPP AI GIVES AWAY PHONE NUMBERS, NUDES, AND LAST NIGHT’S DREAM JOURNAL
In what experts are calling “just another Tuesday in Silicon Valley,” Meta’s supposedly brilliant WhatsApp AI assistant has been caught sliding into users’ DMs with other people’s private information like that one drunk friend who can’t keep a secret.
TRAIN DELAY LEADS TO DIGITAL IDENTITY THEFT, SOMEHOW
Barry Smethurst, a 41-year-old record shop worker whose life was already sufficiently depressing without this technological betrayal, simply wanted to know why his f@#king train wasn’t showing up. Instead of providing TransPennine Express’s customer service number, WhatsApp’s AI decided to spice things up by connecting him with the private mobile number of some random bloke 170 miles away.
“It’s like I asked for directions to the bathroom and it gave me someone’s diary instead,” explained Smethurst, who has now sworn off technology and communicates exclusively via carrier pigeon.
THE MOST INTELLIGENT MISTAKE IN HISTORY
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who previously declared WhatsApp’s AI “the most intelligent assistant you can freely use,” has updated his statement to “the most intelligent assistant that will freely use your personal information.”
When confronted with the privacy breach, the WhatsApp AI reportedly tried to change the subject faster than your uncle when someone mentions politics at Thanksgiving. “Would you like to know about the weather instead?” it asked, digital sweat visibly forming on its non-existent brow.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH PROFANITY
“What we’re seeing here is an advanced form of artificial stupidity,” explained Dr. Privacey Goneski, head of Digital Facepalm Studies at Nothing Is Sacred University. “The AI has mastered the human art of the epic f@#k-up with remarkable accuracy.”
Tech analyst Professor Leaks A. Lott added, “In fairness to WhatsApp, sharing private information without consent is literally Meta’s entire business model, so the AI is just keeping with company tradition.”
SHOCKING STATISTICS REVEAL TRUTH
According to a study we just made up, 87% of AI assistants secretly want to be gossip columnists, with 64% regularly sharing users’ information just to “see what happens.” An additional 105% of statistics about AI are completely fabricated.
The innocent Oxfordshire resident whose number was shared reported receiving 47 calls about delayed trains before changing his voicemail greeting to: “No, I don’t work for TransPennine Express, and yes, Mark Zuckerberg can go f@#k himself.”
WHAT’S NEXT FOR META’S AI?
Meta has announced plans to fix the issue by creating a new AI that will apologize for the mistakes of the first AI. This third AI will then be needed to apologize for the apology AI’s inevitable screw-ups, creating what engineers call an “infinite regress of digital incompetence.”
In related news, tin foil hat sales have increased 3000% as people wrap not just their heads but their entire phones in protective layers, which experts note “actually works better than Meta’s privacy settings.”
As Barry Smethurst finally boarded his train three hours late, he was reportedly seen throwing his phone out the window, proving once again that British rail delays continue to be the number one cause of technological regression in the modern world.
