DIGITAL PIRATES CAUGHT RED-HANDED: WETRANSFER ABANDONS PLAN TO FEED YOUR NUDES TO HUNGRY AI MONSTERS
In a stunning display of corporate backpedaling that would make Olympic cyclists jealous, file-sharing platform WeTransfer has abruptly canceled its secret plan to feed your precious creative work to the ravenous maw of artificial intelligence after users collectively lost their sh!t.
TERMS OF SERVICE: WHERE COMPANIES HIDE THEIR EVIL SCHEMES
The digital betrayal began when WeTransfer quietly slipped some suspicious wording into their updated terms of service, essentially claiming the right to use uploaded files to “improve machine learning models” – corporate-speak for “we’re gonna take all your stuff and teach computers how to replace you.”
Creative professionals, who use the service to transfer everything from sensitive business documents to that weird alien erotica they’ve been working on, reacted with the measured calm typically reserved for discovering scorpions in your underwear drawer.
“What the f@#k were they thinking?” said renowned graphic designer Penny Pixelton. “I didn’t spend 18 hours designing a corporate logo just so some silicon-based thinking rectangle could learn to do it in 4 seconds while I starve to death.”
CORPORATIONS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US, EXCEPT TOTALLY UNTRUSTWORTHY
According to Dr. Obvious Grift, professor of Digital Exploitation at Harvesting Your Data University, this type of corporate behavior is increasingly common.
“Companies basically operate on a ‘f@#k around and find out’ business model these days,” explained Dr. Grift. “They slip in predatory terms, see if anyone notices, then apologize if they get caught. Statistics show this strategy works 87.3% of the time, which I just made up but sounds truthy enough.”
THE APOLOGY: SORRY WE GOT CAUGHT
After the backlash reached levels that threatened to actually impact their bottom line, WeTransfer executives emerged from their underground lair with apologies clutched firmly in their sweaty hands.
“We’ve listened to our users and decided that secretly harvesting their intellectual property might negatively impact our quarterly earnings report,” said fictional WeTransfer spokesperson Dana Downloader. “Rest assured, we are committed to finding less obvious ways to exploit your content in the future.”
Sources close to the company reveal that WeTransfer has already begun work on a new terms of service agreement written entirely in Klingon and interpretive dance.
DIGITAL PRIVACY: ABOUT AS REAL AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHO “GOES TO ANOTHER SCHOOL”
Industry analyst Professor Idon Givafuk points out that this incident highlights the increasingly precarious relationship between users and digital platforms.
“People are beginning to realize that clicking ‘I agree’ without reading is basically the digital equivalent of giving a stranger your house keys, bank account information, and permission to wear your underwear,” said Givafuk. “Approximately 99.8% of internet users would rather have their eyeballs removed with a melon baller than read a terms of service agreement.”
At press time, WeTransfer executives were reportedly meeting with consultants to explore alternative revenue streams, including selling users’ souls to Satan, which apparently wasn’t explicitly forbidden in the original terms of service.
