**West Declares: Only “Good Guys” Allowed to Win AI Race, Everyone Else Can Get Lost**
The UK’s technology secretary, Peter Kyle, made it abundantly clear this week that when it comes to artificial intelligence, only the “western, liberal, democratic” nations are allowed to be in charge. Because, obviously, those qualities have never once been used to justify highly questionable foreign policy decisions.
Speaking ahead of a global AI summit in Paris, Kyle stopped just short of yelling “No, you can’t sit with us!” in China’s general direction. His comments came after DeepSeek, a Chinese AI company, had the audacity to actually be good at AI, sending Silicon Valley investors into a full-blown existential crisis.
“We simply cannot allow AI to be dominated by anyone who doesn’t share our values,” Kyle said, while conveniently ignoring the West’s long history of mass surveillance, military use of AI, and, of course, Facebook. “It is essential that this revolutionary technology remains in the hands of those who totally respect democracy, personal freedom, and—uh—whatever else we claim to stand for.”
Insiders at the Paris summit say tensions are running high, with several Western tech leaders running simulations to see if they could just “delete” China from the AI race entirely. One executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that OpenAI CEO Sam Altman was spotted furiously scribbling “Ban China? Y/N” on a notepad.
Meanwhile, Chinese officials politely reminded the world that not only are they very much in the game, but they also manufacture 90% of the hardware keeping Western AI systems running. “You want AI? You’ll need our chips,” said a Chinese tech executive through barely contained laughter.
For now, the West remains committed to ensuring AI leadership stays with “the right people.” And if that sounds suspiciously similar to old-school colonialist rhetoric, well, that’s just a coincidence they would prefer you not think too much about.
