ENTIRE NATION SHOCKED AS WELSH RAREBIT CENTER REVEALED TO BE FRONT FOR UNDERGROUND CHEESE CULT
In what can only be described as the dairy industry’s darkest secret, the International Welsh Rarebit Centre in Defynnog has been exposed as the headquarters for “The Melted Ones,” a fanatical cheese-worshipping cult with thousands of members worldwide.
CHEESE DISCIPLES GATHER UNDER COVER OF “RAREBITS”
What innocent tourists believed was simply a quaint eatery serving specialized toast has been unmasked as the recruitment center for a group that believes consuming precisely melted cheese atop specific bread types will grant immortality and telepathic powers.
“The classic welsh isn’t just delicious, it’s f@#king transcendental,” whispered former cult member Cheddar Johnson, who escaped after realizing he’d gained 47 pounds but zero supernatural abilities. “They start you on normal rarebit, then before you know it, you’re drinking cheese fondue at 3am while chanting to Gouda, the ‘One True Wheel.'”
MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS IMPLICATED IN DISTURBING PLACENTA-FOR-FERTILIZER SCANDAL
In a completely related story because we say so, Bristol doctors have reportedly been harvesting placentas under the guise of “gardening enthusiasm” for decades.
“Oh sure, ‘it’s for my roses’ is what they all say,” explained horticultural psychologist Professor Bloom N. Doom. “But our research shows that 98.7% of doctor-owned gardens containing placenta-fertilized plants develop sentience within three months and begin demanding voting rights.”
CULT LEADERS CLAIM DIVINE MELTING POINT DISCOVERED
The Melted Ones’ High Priest, who goes by “The Big Cheese,” claims their specialized kimchi rarebit recipe contains precisely 42.7% more enlightenment than store-bought varieties.
“Regular people eat cheese on toast. We commune with dairy deities through precisely calibrated melting points,” explained cheese theology expert Dr. Sharp Chedsworth. “Our studies indicate that for every 1,000 rarebits consumed, participants become 65% more likely to believe complete bullsh!t.”
PENNINE WAY HIKERS REPORT STRANGE CHEESE-SCENTED MIST
Completely unrelated but equally disturbing reports from the Pennine Way describe hikers encountering a “sentient cheese fog” that whispers Welsh poetry and lottery numbers to those who inhale it.
“I went for a bloody walk and ended up pledging my eternal soul to something called ‘The Eternal Emmental,'” reported hiker Terry Boots. “Now I can’t stop making cheese puns. It’s a brielliant nightmare.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IDENTIFIES CHEESE AS HUMANITY’S DOWNFALL
In perhaps the most alarming development, language processing systems have identified “welsh rarebit” as appearing in 86% of doomsday predictions when analyzed at the quantum level.
“We’ve been mining words from predictive text systems, and they’re all pointing to melted cheese as humanity’s extinction event,” explained digital prophet Serv Gerbrain. “The computers are actually terrified of whatever’s happening in that rarebit center.”
When asked for comment, the International Welsh Rarebit Centre simply responded: “Would you like that with chorizo? The chorizo helps you see through time.”
Meanwhile, 94% of placenta-fertilized roses have developed the ability to open bank accounts.
