BRITISH SUPERCOMPUTER NOW WATCHING COWS TAKE DUMPS, CALLING IT “INNOVATION”
In what experts are calling “the most British waste of money since Brexit,” the UK has unveiled its £225 million AI supercomputer named Isambard-AI, capable of performing 200 quadrillion calculations per second yet primarily tasked with staring at cow a$$es in Somerset.
DAIRY SURVEILLANCE STATE BEGINS
The supercomputer, housed in Bristol and named after a dead bridge guy, will dedicate its unfathomable processing power to monitoring sick dairy cows, a task previously handled by farmers with eyeballs who cost significantly less than a quarter-billion pounds.
“This is revolutionary,” declared Professor Hugh G. Waste, lead researcher at the Institute for Spending Money We Don’t Have. “Before Isambard, we had to rely on prehistoric methods like ‘looking at the cows’ or ‘noticing when they seem sick.’ Now we can use algorithms powerful enough to simulate the birth of stars to determine if Bessie has the sh!ts.”
SKIN CANCER DETECTION, BUT MAKE IT WOKE
When not obsessively watching livestock, the silicon-based thinking rectangle will turn its attention to detecting skin cancer on brown skin, a task the British government apparently believes requires more computing power than was used to land humans on the moon.
“We’ve finally realized that non-white people exist in Britain,” admitted Dr. Felicia Obvious, Director of Belated Medical Inclusion. “And it only took a supercomputer that costs more than the annual budget of several NHS hospitals to address it!”
RIOT POLICE TO RECEIVE AI FASHION ACCESSORIES
Perhaps most alarmingly, Isambard-AI will help develop wearable AI assistants for riot police, allowing officers to “anticipate danger” before it happens, which absolutely no dystopian science fiction has ever warned us about.
“It’s basically ‘Minority Report’ but with a charming British accent,” explained Chief Constable Totalitarian Nightmare. “Officers will know who to baton based on predictive algorithms rather than actual criminal behavior. It’s very efficient!”
MASSIVE COMPUTING POWER, MUNDANE BRITISH PROBLEMS
Sources close to the project reveal the supercomputer will soon tackle other pressing UK issues including calculating the perfect tea-to-milk ratio, determining optimal queue formations at Tesco, and simulating what would happen if the UK had actual summer weather.
“Private tech companies use this kind of computing power to advance humanity, but we’re British, so we’re using it to watch cow sh!t and develop slightly better umbrellas,” said Sir Wasting Taxpayermoney, Minister for Technological Bollocks.
At press time, the £225 million machine had reportedly crashed while attempting to understand why anyone would voluntarily eat Marmite, forcing technicians to turn it off and on again, which cost an additional £3.2 million.
According to an internal memo leaked to this publication, the supercomputer’s next project will involve analyzing why the f@#k Britain spent a quarter-billion pounds on a machine to watch dairy cows when the country’s healthcare system is collapsing faster than Boris Johnson’s hairdo in a wind tunnel.
