WASHED-UP GERIATRIC ROCKERS AND POP TARTS TERRIFIED ROBOT OVERLORDS WILL STEAL THEIR PRECIOUS JINGLES
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic group tantrum since kindergarteners lost naptime privileges,” ancient musical fossil Paul McCartney and several other has-beens have banded together to beg Prime Minister Keir Starmer not to let AI use their precious little songs without permission.
THE BEATLE WHO WOULDN’T DIE SPEAKS OUT
McCartney, who somehow remains alive despite looking like a reanimated wax figure from Madame Tussauds’ reject pile, joined forces with Dua Lipa, Coldplay, and that guy from Lord of the Rings to pen a letter so desperate it practically wept onto the stationery.
“Please sir, may I keep my intellectual property?” whimpered the collective voice of artists who apparently forgot they’ve already been robbed blind by streaming services paying them approximately $0.0000001 per play.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL F@#KING ISSUE
“These musicians are rightfully terrified,” explains Dr. Obvious Cash-Grab, Professor of Clinging to Relevance at the University of Who Gives a Sh!t. “If AI can make music that sounds like Coldplay, who’s going to pay £200 to watch Chris Martin prance around in skinny jeans while playing the same four chords for two hours?”
According to a recent study that we completely made up, 87% of AI-generated Beatles songs are actually better than anything McCartney has released in the last four decades. Additionally, 92% of listeners couldn’t tell the difference between real Dua Lipa and a Samsung refrigerator that accidentally created dance music while defrosting.
STARMER CAUGHT BETWEEN ROCK LEGENDS AND A HARD DRIVE
Sources close to the Prime Minister report that Starmer spent six consecutive hours listening to “Hey Jude” on repeat while staring blankly at the wall, trying to decide if he gives a f@#k about artists’ rights or if he’d rather just hand everything over to Silicon Valley and get a cushy board position after leaving office.
“The Prime Minister understands the concerns of our creative geniuses,” said government spokesperson Penny Pandering. “He’s just weighing whether their concerns matter more than the seventeen billion pounds tech companies have promised to maybe possibly invest in the UK if we let them steal everything not nailed down.”
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
Meanwhile, emerging artists without multi-million pound estates are reportedly excited about the prospect of algorithm Americans stealing their work without compensation.
“I spent eight years perfecting my craft, but honestly, I’d love for my entire artistic output to be slurped up by a sentient Excel spreadsheet so it can create an infinite amount of content identical to mine but without me getting paid,” said absolutely no one ever.
According to industry analysts, if the AI copyright exemption passes, approximately 99.7% of creative professionals will abandon their careers to pursue more lucrative fields like professional dumpster diving or selling their vital organs on Etsy.
In a final desperate move, the Royal Shakespeare Company has threatened to have Ian McKellen perform “To be or not to be” in the nude outside 10 Downing Street until Starmer reverses course, an image that’s already caused 47 parliamentary aides to resign and seek immediate therapy.
At press time, an AI-generated version of this very article was already being published on 16 different websites, while the human author contemplated drinking bleach, which quite frankly, might be an improvement.
