SCIENTISTS CREATE TOOL TO VISUALIZE IMPOSSIBLE OBJECTS, IMMEDIATELY REGRET UNLEASHING ELDRITCH HORRORS UPON MANKIND
MIT researchers have successfully developed “Meschers,” a tool that renders physically impossible objects in 2.5 dimensions, proving once and for all that science has absolutely no f@#king idea when to stop.
THE NERDS BEHIND THE MADNESS
Lead researcher Ana Dodik claims the tool will “help artists express their intent independently of whether a shape can be realized in the physical world,” which is basically scientist-speak for “we’re deliberately tearing holes in the fabric of reality because we’re bored.”
“Using Meschers, we’ve unlocked a new class of shapes,” Dodik explained, failing to mention these shapes reportedly caused three grad students to develop spontaneous nosebleeds and question their own existence.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS A 2.5 DIMENSION?
The technology exists in what researchers call “2.5 dimensions,” a mathematical concept that makes about as much sense as cryptocurrency or airplane food. It’s essentially a dimension and a half, which is exactly what happens when you let mathematicians name things after drinking too much Red Bull at 3 AM.
According to Professor Idon Givadamn of the Institute for Things Nobody Asked For, “2.5D is like being pregnant and not pregnant simultaneously. It shouldn’t exist, but here we are, creating abominations that Escher himself would look at and say ‘Whoa buddy, dial it back.'”
IMPOSSIBAGELS AND OTHER CRIMES AGAINST NATURE
In what can only be described as a culinary hate crime, researchers tested their tool on something called an “impossibagel” – a bagel that’s shaded in a physically impossible way. Because apparently regular bagels weren’t confusing enough for New Yorkers.
Dr. Wheat Thinfuque, renowned pastry physicist, notes: “This technology poses serious threats to the bagel industry. Customers could bite into what they think is a plain bagel only to find themselves trapped in a Möbius strip of cream cheese and existential dread.”
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS OR SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE?
MIT claims the tool could help mathematicians analyze impossible geometry, similar to how they study real-world shapes. This is roughly equivalent to saying “this acid trip might help us understand sobriety better.”
The team also suggests Meschers could aid computer graphics artists in manipulating the lighting of their creations while preserving optical illusions. Statistics show that 97.3% of these applications will inevitably be used to create memes that make people question if they’re having a stroke.
FUNDING THE MADNESS
This descent into geometrical chaos was funded by several organizations apparently hell-bent on undermining reality, including the MIT Presidential Fellowship, the U.S. National Science Foundation, and the MIT-IBM Watson AI Laboratory, which explains why when you ask Siri for directions she occasionally tells you to “turn right at the tesseract.”
WHAT’S NEXT?
The team is reportedly working on an interface to make the tool easier to use, because apparently summoning non-Euclidean nightmares wasn’t user-friendly enough already. They’re also collaborating with perception scientists, presumably to study how many impossibagels it takes before the human mind completely sh!ts itself.
In related news, local man Terry Pratchett was reportedly seen banging his head against what appeared to be a wall but was actually a staircase going both up and down simultaneously, screaming, “THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT BY DISCWORLD, YOU ACADEMIC A$$HOLES!”
