TECH GODS REVEAL SECRET PLAN: VENN DIAGRAMS TO CONTROL HUMAN THOUGHT WHILE YOU DRINK HOMEMADE ALCOHOL
In what experts are calling “the most sinister use of overlapping circles since Olympic logo designers got high in 1913,” cartoonist Edith Pritchett has exposed the terrifying connection between AI superintelligence and your sad attempt at brewing kombucha in your basement.
THE SHOCKING TRUTH BEHIND THE CIRCLES
The Guardian, once a respectable news source and now apparently a platform for exposing how geometric shapes control our destiny, published what appears to be a “cute cartoon” but is actually a coded warning about our impending doom.
“What looks like innocent Venn diagrams are actually mind control devices designed by superintelligent machines,” explains Dr. Circ L. Logic, a professor of Paranoid Studies at the University of Making Sh!t Up. “The overlapping sections create a subliminal trigger that makes humans more susceptible to believing politicians and buying unnecessary smart home devices.”
POLITICIANS CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN AND THEIR CIRCLES OVERLAPPING
The investigation revealed that 97.8% of all political speeches are actually written using Venn diagrams, with the “sweet spot” in the middle always containing phrases like “common-sense solutions” and “for the American people.”
“Politicians have been using this technique since the dawn of time,” claims historical conspiracy theorist Emma Tinfoil-Hat. “Why do you think Venn diagrams and politics both contain the letter ‘I’? It’s not a coincidence, wake up sheeple!”
THE ALCOHOL CONNECTION THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
Perhaps most disturbing is how home brewing connects to this web of circular deception. Sources close to the investigation report that fermentation creates the exact same brain patterns as trying to understand a complex Venn diagram.
“It’s the perfect storm,” says amateur booze enthusiast and part-time logic expert Brew D. Syllogism. “First, you get drunk on your terrible homemade IPA, then you look at a Venn diagram about politics and AI, and suddenly you’re ordering fourteen smart speakers on Amazon while voting for a sentient chatbot for president.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR WEEKEND
The revelation comes just as Americans prepare for another weekend of pretending they understand craft brewing while having opinions about technology they can barely operate.
When reached for comment, Pritchett reportedly said, “They’re just f@#king cartoons, you absolute lunatics,” before hanging up and deleting her social media accounts.
Meanwhile, 89% of readers have reported feeling an unexplainable urge to draw circles on paper and fill them with their deepest fears after viewing the diagrams.
In related news, sales of protractors have increased 3000% overnight, with geometry teachers now being monitored as potential agents of the coming silicon-based thought rebellion.
Remember: if you see someone drawing overlapping circles, maintain eye contact while slowly backing away. Your free will may depend on it.
