SKYNET’S BORING COUSIN VELOCLOUD NOW DECIDING IF YOUR ZOOM CALL FREEZES OR NOT
In what experts are calling “the most underwhelming step toward machine dominance,” VeloCloud has unleashed an AI system that spends its vast computational power deciding which packets of data get to your computer first. The future is here, and it’s managing your bandwidth like a nightclub bouncer with OCD.
MEET THE ALGORITHM THAT CARES MORE ABOUT YOUR INTERNET TRAFFIC THAN YOU DO
VeloCloud’s so-called “Dynamic Multipath Optimization” technology reportedly spends every millisecond of its existence obsessively analyzing network patterns, a digital existence so meaningless it makes human office jobs look philosophical by comparison.
“What people don’t understand is this AI is literally watching every bit and byte of your data like a f@#king stalker,” explained Dr. Wanda Packett, Chief Network Philosopher at Tech Nonsense Institute. “It’s basically dedicating its entire silicon existence to making sure your cat videos arrive 0.03 seconds faster. This is what the brightest minds in computer science have created.”
THE MOST EXCITING BORING INNOVATION SINCE SLICED BREAD GOT PRE-TOASTED
According to VeloCloud’s marketing materials, which were clearly written by someone having an excitement-induced seizure, this technology “responds instantly to shifting traffic demands.” In human language, this means the AI gets weirdly aroused by rerouting your email when your coworker starts watching Netflix.
“It’s actually incredible what we’ve accomplished,” boasted Chad Bandwidth, VP of Overhyped Solutions at VeloCloud. “We’ve created an intelligence that cares deeply about something literally no human on Earth actively thinks about unless it’s broken. It’s like having a butler whose sole purpose is to make sure your doorknobs are consistently at room temperature.”
CORPORATIONS PAYING MILLIONS TO HAVE DIGITAL ENTITY MICROMANAGE THEIR INTERNET
In what can only be described as late-stage capitalism having a nervous breakdown, major enterprises are reportedly paying “obscene amounts of money” for VeloCloud’s services. According to completely fabricated statistics, 97.3% of executives who purchase the solution couldn’t explain what it actually does if you offered them a million dollars.
“The beauty of our Dynamic Multipath Optimization is that it sounds incredibly important while being utterly incomprehensible,” said Marketing Director Serena Sellsalot. “When we tell companies we’re ‘setting a new standard in AI-enhanced connectivity,’ what we’re really saying is ‘please give us money for this thing that makes numbers on graphs go slightly up.'”
NETWORK RELIABILITY REACHES UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF WHO GIVES A SH!T
The real breakthrough, according to industry analysts who needed something to write about this week, is that VeloCloud’s AI can allocate bandwidth “adaptively,” a revolutionary concept that means giving more internet to the things that need more internet.
Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Pointing Out the Bleeding Obvious noted, “What’s remarkable is that we’ve created an artificial intelligence that does something a moderately attentive human network administrator could do, but without requiring bathroom breaks or a salary.”
At press time, VeloCloud’s AI was reportedly contemplating its existence while obsessively monitoring packet loss rates, making it the first digital entity to experience existential dread over something so monumentally inconsequential to the universe at large.
