US and UK Heroically Defend Their Right to Unchecked Tech Mayhem
In a stunning victory for the God-given right to let billionaires fiddle with world-altering technology, the United States and the United Kingdom have boldly refused to sign the Paris AI declaration on “inclusive and sustainable” artificial intelligence. Because if there’s one thing democracy stands for, it’s making sure no one tells Silicon Valley what to do.
The summit, attended by 60 other nations who apparently enjoy giving themselves boundaries, aimed to foster “human-centered” AI. However, the US and UK bravely opted out, ensuring their tech overlords can continue their noble mission of replacing entire industries with sentient spreadsheets.
When pressed on why they wouldn’t sign a simple commitment to making AI slightly less terrifying, neither country immediately provided an explanation. Possibly because saying “we value profits over people” out loud was a little too on the nose.
US Senator JD Vance, a man whose entire personality revolves around calling regulation “communism,” passionately argued against Europe’s “excessive” tech oversight. “If we hamstring AI development with a bunch of ethical nonsense, how are we supposed to build killer robot soldiers or algorithmic stock traders that bankrupt entire economies?” Vance reportedly asked, probably.
Meanwhile, the UK, continuing its post-Brexit strategy of making sure to annoy literally everyone, simply followed America’s lead. A British official, speaking anonymously for fear of the obvious backlash, admitted, “Look, if our AI ends up causing mass unemployment or accidentally launching nuclear codes, at least we won’t have had any pesky regulations slowing things down.”
In a show of international cooperation, other major powers such as China, India, Japan, and Canada signed the declaration, presumably under the naïve assumption that AI shouldn’t be left entirely in the hands of venture capitalists whose idea of “ethics” is a TED Talk and a vague apology tweet.
Industry leaders in the US and UK hailed this development as a positive step towards a hands-off approach to AI regulation. “I’m confident we can regulate ourselves,” said one anonymous tech CEO while boarding his private jet and casually laying off 10,000 employees via automated email.
As the world watches AI evolve at breakneck speed, some experts fear that this lack of international unity could lead to chaos. Others insist the real problem is a handful of dudes in Silicon Valley thinking “What if we played God?” is a solid business model.
Either way, the US and UK have made their stance clear: unfettered technological experimentation is the best way forward. After all, that approach has never gone wrong before… except for, you know, every other time in history.
