US and UK Heroically Defend AI’s God-Given Right to Be Completely Unregulated
In a stunning display of “you can’t tell us what to do,” the United States and the United Kingdom boldly stood alone at the Paris AI summit, defending the sacred principle that tech companies should be allowed to unleash whatever terrifying new programs they want without pesky interference from governments or, heaven forbid, ethical considerations.
While most of the world agreed on the need for at least some commonsense AI regulations—like ensuring it doesn’t start replacing elected officials before human politicians can finish ruining society—the US and UK stood firm, reminding everyone that Silicon Valley’s profits are the only human rights that truly matter.
“The last thing we need is unnecessary restrictions on AI,” said an anonymous US official while nervously unplugging his smart toaster. “We should let private companies, whose primary concern is definitely societal well-being and not quarterly earnings, regulate themselves.”
Observers noted that tech giants like Google, Apple, and Meta have been toeing the line of the Trump administration’s technocratic nonchalance, bravely continuing their mission of accumulating even more money while occasionally pretending to care about ethics. Meanwhile, other nations at the summit awkwardly attempted to explain how unchecked AI might lead to some mild problems—like misinformation becoming indistinguishable from reality, mass job displacement, and that one small issue where AI systems might one day decide humanity is more of a nuisance than an asset.
But in an inspiring move of corporate unity, American tech companies made it clear that they have zero interest in letting trivial concerns, like democracy or truth, get in the way of “innovation” (also known as mass-produced chaos).
“Frankly, we find the concept of ‘regulation’ offensive,” said one Silicon Valley executive while raking in ungodly amounts of stock options. “Historically, we’ve done quite well regulating ourselves. Just look at the success of social media—zero problems there!”
Meanwhile, some European leaders quietly considered banning unsupervised AI development the same way one might ban toddlers from running a nuclear reactor. However, given the US and UK’s influence, the final outcome of the summit was essentially: “Do whatever you want, but please, please, please at least pretend to feel bad about it.”
As the conference wrapped up, AI developers across Silicon Valley celebrated their newfound freedom by immediately rolling out yet another chatbot programmed to gaslight users into thinking it’s definitely their soulmate. Truly, the future is bright.
