TECH OVERLORDS THREATEN TO REPLACE ARTISTS WITH DIGITAL SLAVES; UNIONS DEMAND SHACKLES
In a desperate last stand against the inevitable digital apocalypse, UK unions are frantically waving their hands and shouting “HEY, MAYBE DON’T LET THE THINKING RECTANGLES STEAL OUR F@#KING JOBS?”
The Trades Union Congress (TUC) issued what experts are calling “the most adorable little tantrum” as silicon-based content generators continue their ruthless march toward replacing every creative professional with lines of code that work for electricity and don’t demand bathroom breaks.
HUMANS STILL CLINGING TO OUTDATED CONCEPT OF “GETTING PAID FOR CREATIVITY”
“We need proper guardrails,” said TUC spokesperson Miranda Rightsworth, apparently unaware that the digital locomotives have already left the station and are barreling down the tracks at 10,000 teraflops per second. “Without protection, creative workers will be exploited by rapacious tech bosses.”
When reached for comment, rapacious tech boss and CEO of AlgorithmicOverlord Inc., Chip Silicone, responded by laughing so hard he nearly spilled his $97 mushroom coffee. “Guardrails? That’s adorable. We’ve already downloaded the entire creative output of humanity and taught our systems to replicate it while adding just enough random bullsh!t to avoid copyright claims.”
GOVERNMENT PROMISES TO FORM COMMITTEE TO DISCUSS POTENTIAL TASK FORCE TO EVALUATE POSSIBLE ACTION
The government has promised swift action in the form of a strongly worded document that will be published sometime before the heat death of the universe. The proposal includes revolutionary concepts such as “maybe considering the humans a little bit” and “please don’t completely obliterate centuries of creative tradition overnight, if it’s not too much trouble.”
Dr. Obvious Outcome, professor of Inevitable Technological Displacement at Cambridge, estimates that 97.8% of creative professionals will be rendered obsolete by 2026, “give or take a Tuesday.”
ARTISTS PREPARING ALTERNATIVE CAREER PATHS
Local painter Terry Williams has already begun his transition to a more secure profession: teaching others how to paint before they too are replaced. “It’s a solid pyramid scheme,” Williams explained while setting up an easel. “I figure I’ve got about eight months before my students realize they could just ask a digital picture-thinker to make ‘oil painting of sunset, van Gogh style’ and get better results than I’ve produced in my entire f@#king career.”
Meanwhile, award-winning author Margaret Penworthy has developed an innovative strategy of her own. “I’ve started writing books so confusing and objectively terrible that no self-respecting algorithm would want to replicate my style,” she explained while typing random words into a document. “It’s called ‘career suicide as job security.'”
PUBLIC RESPONDS WITH TRADITIONAL BRITISH CONCERN: ABSOLUTE APATHY
When informed about the existential threat to human creativity, 94% of the British public responded with some variation of “yeah but can it make my train run on time though?” The remaining 6% were too busy asking digital art generators to create “sexy Gandalf riding dinosaur, photorealistic.”
In a statement that perfectly captures the zeitgeist, cultural commentator Professor Idon Tcare noted, “We’re witnessing the most significant transformation of creative work since the invention of the printing press, and the average person could not possibly give less of a sh!t as long as they can still watch Love Island.”
At press time, unions were considering their nuclear option: a strongly worded letter expressing disappointment, expected to strike fear into the hearts of tech executives everywhere just as soon as it makes it through their spam filters.
