MAN TEACHES FISH TO COMPUTE, CREATES UNDERWATER SUPERCOMPUTER THAT ONLY SPEAKS BUBBLES
China dips computers in ocean, claims it’s “for the environment” not because they’re trying to teach sharks how to use ChatGPT
TECHNOLOGY GETS WET AND WILD
In what can only be described as the aquatic equivalent of tossing your laptop in the bathtub but somehow getting a promotion instead of electrocuted, China has unveiled a $223 million underwater data center that’s supposedly all about “sustainable computing” and definitely not about creating an army of digitally enhanced dolphins.
The massive submerged computing facility, located off China’s coast where fish can now experience existential crises firsthand, uses seawater cooling and offshore wind power to reduce carbon emissions while training AI models that will eventually convince us that breathing underwater is both possible and patriotic.
“We’ve basically created a situation where if Aquaman wanted to check his email, he’d have excellent Wi-Fi,” explained Dr. Wet N. Wild, China’s leading expert in unnecessary submersion of expensive electronics. “The fish absolutely love it. They’ve been swimming through our servers for weeks now, and not a single complaint!”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER COMPUTERS ACTUALLY NEEDED SWIMMING LESSONS
Critics point out that computers traditionally function better when not surrounded by salt water, but China insists this revolutionary approach will cut cooling costs by approximately 100% on days when the facility completely shorts out.
“We’ve reduced our carbon footprint by 90% and increased our water footprint by f@#king infinity,” boasted Professor Splash McServerson, chief architect of the project. “Plus, if climate change causes sea levels to rise, we’re already prepared! Take THAT, Silicon Valley!”
THE COMPUTING FACILITY THAT DOUBLES AS A FISH TANK
The underwater data center purportedly uses offshore wind to power its operations, though scientists are debating whether the facility is actually harvesting the confused screams of passing sailors who spot what appears to be a glowing city beneath the waves.
“I’m concerned that 90% of their energy savings comes from the fact that nobody can actually check if the computers are running or not,” noted international tech analyst Ima Skeptical. “It’s like saying you’ve invented an invisible car that gets infinite miles per gallon. How convenient that we can’t verify it!”
CHINA’S COMPETITIVE EDGE: LITERAL EDGE OF THE CONTINENTAL SHELF
Industry analysts suggest that China’s underwater computing initiative gives them a competitive advantage in AI development, primarily because no other country is desperate enough to put billion-dollar equipment where octopuses can use it as a hideout.
“The West has been focusing on boring approaches like improving algorithm efficiency and building more efficient chips,” explained tech consultant Dee P. End. “Meanwhile, China just said ‘what if computers, but wet?’ and somehow that’s revolutionary. I’ve been putting my laptop in the refrigerator for years and nobody gave ME $223 million.”
According to statistics definitely not made up for this article, the underwater facility is 78% more efficient than traditional data centers, 92% more likely to be featured in a Jacques Cousteau documentary, and 100% more likely to eventually gain sentience and declare itself the sovereign nation of Atlantis 2.0.
As of press time, engineers were reportedly still working to solve the problem of crabs repeatedly unplugging essential equipment because they “just like the way the cables feel in their claws.”
