UNCLE SAM BECOMES TECH PIMP, DEMANDS CUT FROM CHIP DEALERS SELLING TO CHINA
In a move that has economists screaming “What the actual f@#k?”, the US government has established itself as the silicon sector’s most powerful pimp, demanding a 15% cut of Nvidia and AMD’s China chip sales like a mob boss collecting protection money.
THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE THREESOME
Nvidia and AMD have agreed to surrender 15% of their Chinese chip revenue to the US government, effectively creating the world’s most expensive tech threesome. The arrangement allows these companies to ignore previous national security concerns because, apparently, treason is completely fine if Uncle Sam gets his beak wet.
“This is absolutely unprecedented,” said financial analyst Dr. Cash Grabber. “The government has essentially gone from ‘these chips threaten national security’ to ‘these chips threaten national security UNLESS we get paid.’ It’s like telling your teenager they can’t do drugs unless they share with daddy.”
NATIONAL SECURITY NOW AVAILABLE WITH CONVENIENT PAYMENT PLANS
Just months after declaring advanced chip exports to China a dire threat to American security, the US government has discovered that those concerns evaporate when compensated with a percentage of sales. Sources confirm that approximately 83.7% of national security threats can be overlooked for the right price.
“The Biden administration has revolutionized national security by putting it on a sliding payment scale,” explains Professor Mora Money, chair of Questionable Ethics at Washington University. “Today it’s chips, tomorrow we could see Lockheed Martin selling F-35s to North Korea for a 20% kickback. It’s innovation at its finest.”
CHINA RESPONDS ENTHUSIASTICALLY TO GOVERNMENT-SANCTIONED EXTORTION
Chinese officials have reportedly responded with uncharacteristic enthusiasm to being openly extorted. “We’re just happy to have clarity on exactly how much American principles cost,” said one Chinese official who requested anonymity but definitely isn’t made up. “Fifteen percent seems reasonable for abandoning your entire technological containment strategy.”
WHITE HOUSE DEFENDS “PROTECTION FEE” AS TOTALLY NORMAL BUSINESS PRACTICE
White House spokesperson Jenna Rationalize defended the arrangement: “This is simply a win-win solution that allows American companies to profit while ensuring the government gets its fair sh@re. It’s basically like OnlyFans but for semiconductor technology.”
When pressed about the apparent contradiction between claiming these chips pose security risks while simultaneously allowing their sale, Rationalize explained, “The risks are substantially reduced when we get paid. That’s just science.”
TECH INDUSTRY RELIEVED TO LEARN ETHICS HAVE PRICE TAG
Industry executives expressed relief at discovering that moral considerations in international trade have specific dollar amounts attached. “We’ve always suspected government principles were for sale,” said one Nvidia executive who requested anonymity. “It’s refreshing to finally see the price list.”
A recent survey indicates that 97.2% of Americans are shocked to learn the government hadn’t been taking a cut all along, with most assuming national security had always been available for purchase at competitive rates.
As this groundbreaking arrangement takes effect, experts predict an exciting new era where virtually any restriction can be bypassed with the right profit-sharing agreement. Up next: Selling nuclear secrets for a modest 25% commission and the promise of a really nice Christmas card.
