UK DEMANDS RIGHT TO STEAL CRAP SO COMPUTERS CAN LEARN TO STEAL CRAP BETTER
In what can only be described as “colonial habits dying f@#king hard,” the UK government is being urged to just go ahead and ignore copyright laws so artificial intelligence can pillage creative works more efficiently. Because apparently, respecting intellectual property is SO last century.
FORMER PM’S THINK RECTANGLE SAYS RULES ARE FOR LOSERS
The Tony Blair Institute, a collection of people who think very important thoughts in very important rooms, has warned that enforcing copyright protections could damage the special relationship with America. Yes, that special relationship where two failing empires desperately cling to relevance while pretending they’re still important.
“Copyright is basically just a suggestion,” said Sir Reginald Moneybags, the Institute’s Chief Innovation Officer. “If we actually respect artists’ rights, how will our silicon-based thinking rectangles learn to create mediocre knockoffs of human creativity?”
EXPERTS WARN OF DIRE CONSEQUENCES IF MACHINES CAN’T PLAGIARIZE
Dr. Ivana Steel-Yourshit, Professor of Technical Imperialism at Cambridge, explains the gravity of the situation: “If we don’t let AI companies take whatever the hell they want without paying for it, we might actually have to develop original technologies instead of just copying existing human works. That would be a goddamn catastrophe.”
The institute claims that 97.3% of national security threats could be prevented if only machines could freely ingest copyrighted works without permission. This statistic was generated by an AI trained exclusively on episodes of “Yes, Minister” and Tom Clancy novels.
AMERICA THREATENS TO TAKE ITS TOYS AND GO HOME
Meanwhile, the United States is threatening tariffs on British goods because apparently that’s just what friends do now. Sources close to the situation report that US negotiators described UK copyright enforcement as “total buzzkill behavior.”
“Look, we need you guys to chill with all this ‘respecting creators’ nonsense,” said one American official who requested anonymity because they were clearly making sh!t up. “Our tech bros have yacht payments to make.”
CREATIVE INDUSTRIES RESPOND: “ARE YOU F@#KING KIDDING ME?”
When reached for comment, representatives from the UK’s creative industries simply laughed for seventeen consecutive minutes before curling into the fetal position and whispering, “We’re so f@#ked.”
The Blair Institute suggests that instead of compensation, artists should be grateful that their life’s work is being used to train machines that will eventually replace them. As a compromise, they propose sending creators a nice thank-you card and perhaps a fruit basket for smaller artists.
In related news, the Institute is also proposing relaxing laws against bank robbery, noting that “if we don’t let people practice taking money, how will they get good at finance?”
