HANDSHAKE OR HANDJOB? WHAT A UK-US ECONOMIC “DEAL” REALLY MEANS
In a desperate attempt to remain relevant on the global stage, British officials are frantically preparing to bend over and grab their ankles for America’s second coming of the Orange Messiah, all in pursuit of what experts are calling “the most pathetic excuse for an international agreement since Neville Chamberlain returned from Munich waving a piece of paper.”
DESPERATE ISLAND NATION SEEKS VALIDATION FROM FORMER COLONY
Five years after Boris Johnson’s failed attempt to seduce Donald Trump with shower trays and pork pies (a combination as sexually appealing as it sounds), UK officials are back for another round of economic foreplay. This time, they’re focusing on “tech and AI,” because nothing says “special relationship” like letting Silicon Valley billionaires harvest your citizens’ data while wearing Union Jack cufflinks.
“It’s really quite simple,” explains Sir Humphrey Kiss-Arse of the British Trade Commission. “We’ve realized that selling actual physical goods is far too complicated, so we’re focusing on things Americans can’t see or touch, much like our dignity.”
THE NEGOTIATION STRATEGY: PLEASE SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?
According to internal documents leaked to AI Antics, the UK’s negotiating strategy consists primarily of nodding enthusiastically while American officials list their demands. The British team has been instructed to respond to all requests with either “Absolutely!” or “We were just about to suggest that ourselves!”
Dr. Obvious Desperation, professor of International Groveling at Oxford University, notes that “the UK’s approach is reminiscent of a teenager trying to get into the cool kids’ party by offering to do their homework and clean their toilets.”
WHAT’S ACTUALLY ON THE TABLE?
Sources close to the negotiations reveal the following “groundbreaking” provisions being considered:
1. The NHS will be rebranded as “McHealthcare: I’m Lovin’ My Insulin”
2. All British schoolchildren will begin each day reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while eating Lucky Charms
3. The pound sterling will be replaced with “Colonial Tokens”
4. The Queen’s face on currency will be replaced with Trump’s hair
“It’s really a win-win,” claims Professor Idon Believethis, chair of Delusional Economics at Cambridge. “We get to pretend we still matter on the world stage, and Americans get 67 million new customers who have no choice but to accept whatever sh!tty terms they offer.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH DEVASTATING ACCURACY
“What in the actual f@#k do we have to offer America?” asks Dr. Reality Check, leading economist and part-time alcoholic. “Our main exports are period dramas, rain, and a sense of unearned superiority.”
Studies show that 94% of Americans couldn’t find the UK on a map, while 78% believe that “British cuisine” is an oxymoron on par with “reasonable Twitter discussion” or “ethical tech company.”
THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP: IT’S COMPLICATED
Relationship counselor Dr. Codependent Nation describes the UK-US dynamic as “that couple where one person keeps talking about their ‘deep connection’ while the other is clearly just keeping their options open and occasionally texts at 2am when they’re feeling lonely.”
An anonymous Whitehall source admitted, “Look, we’re basically that ex who keeps drunk-texting ‘u up?’ to America every few years hoping they’ll take pity on us.”
WHAT’S NEXT: ECONOMIC SPOONING OR MORNING REGRET?
As negotiations continue, British officials remain optimistic that this time, DEFINITELY this time, America will commit to something more than just a one-night stand of vague economic promises.
“We’ve got shower trays!” one desperate trade official was heard shouting outside the American embassy. “And pork pies! PORK PIES, DAMN IT!”
At press time, American negotiators were reportedly asking if the UK “had any oil left” or if they’d “already given it all to BP,” because otherwise they “might need to swipe right on another country with more to offer.”
