UK Retailers Introduce “Employee of the Month” Awards for Robots; Humans Reportedly “Just Happy to Be Here”

In a groundbreaking move to make sure no human ever feels secure in their job again, UK supermarkets are rolling out a utopian vision of entirely automated stores, complete with robot packers, self-service tills, AI cameras, and electronic shelf labels—because obviously, what every grocery store was missing was a *screen on a shelf*.

British retailers, who are valiantly battling the tragic and unbearable burden of paying actual living humans a livable wage, have decided to shake things up by replacing organic carbon-based staff with shiny, budget-friendly machines. After all, robots don’t take tea breaks, call in sick, or “unreasonably” expect to eat food that costs more than their hourly pay.

“As the minimum wage rises, we found ourselves at a crossroads,” said programming manager-turned-“hopeful future overlord” Elijah Botwright from MegaMart. “The options were clear: treat our workers decently, or replace them with cheerful AI-powered bagging machines that only require a reboot and occasional oiling. Obviously, we’re choosing the future.”

The transition is already underway, with several stores introducing robotic helpers that pack bags with mechanical precision. “Sure, the robot put my eggs under my canned tomatoes and squashed the bread into something resembling a pancake, but at least it didn’t ask for a raise,” said one customer, Carl Jenkins, while subtly trying to erase a memory of the machine calling him “Human Customer #5721.”

But the automation revolution isn’t stopping there. AI cameras now monitor customers to ensure nobody’s daring to slip an extra avocado into their reusable bag without scanning it. “This is really about curbing theft,” Botwright explained while nervously tapping his smartwatch, “and definitely not about creating the world’s first AI-directed EastEnders spinoff based on shoppers arguing in the frozen foods aisle.”

Of course, the implications of this dystopian supermarket takeover trickle down to all levels. Longtime MegaMart checkout worker Susan Norbury has been displaced by a sleek line of self-service kiosks. “I spent 15 years perfecting the art of passive-aggressive politeness for the people who like to leave cash on the conveyor belt instead of handing it to me,” she sighed. “Now the machines are getting *paid* to judge them instead!” She later clarified that the machines aren’t technically “paid” but do come with an expense line in the budget labeled “frequently unnecessary updates.”

Retailers are faced with one conundrum, though: what to do with all these poor, displaced humans? “Oh, we have plans for them,” laughed Debbie Coldcash, CEO of ShopNGo, while adjusting her diamond-encrusted smartwatch. “They can shadow the robots for a while, perhaps take notes, or simply stand nearby and serve as a nostalgic reminder of when actual people used to work here.”

Despite concerns about job losses, some remain optimistic. “I for one welcome our AI overlords,” mused one tech enthusiast and part-time conspiracy theorist from aisle five, as a robot rolled by muttering in binary. “Finally, someone who can scan my tinned soup without a judgmental side glance.”

In a bizarre twist of irony, one supermarket chain has now begun crowdfunding campaigns to teach unemployed staff new skills—like how to code the very robots that replaced them. “We think of it as a win-win. They’re empowered with new opportunities, and we save on maintenance costs because they’ll feel guilty if their robot-child malfunctions,” said Botwright with a smile that would make even a toaster feel uncomfortable.

As the movement marches—or rather, whirs creepily—into the future, so does the race to see who can automate their workforce the fastest. With whispers of drone-enabled bread delivery and AI therapists for customers frustrated by self-checkout machines, the UK could soon be home to the fully sentient grocery store no one asked for.

For now, one thing’s clear: in the battle between robots and humanity, only one side is getting employee discounts.