TECH TITANS CELEBRATE AS UK PASSES TOOTHLESS DATA BILL; NATION COLLECTIVELY WHISPERS “THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?”
In what experts are calling “a complete f@#king surrender to Silicon Valley overlords,” the UK government has passed a new data bill without the controversial AI copyright clause that might have forced tech companies to actually give a sh!t about intellectual property rights.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS DEFEND DECISION WHILE WEARING SUSPICIOUSLY NEW ROLEX WATCHES
The bill, which was debated for months with the intensity of a sloth on Ambien, ultimately decided against forcing tech companies to disclose what they’re feeding their hungry little algorithm babies.
“It’s evolution, not revolution,” explained Digital Minister Lord Parkinson, while a small shower of what appeared to be Google and Meta stock certificates fell from his pocket. “We believe in taking a balanced approach that protects absolutely no one while giving tech companies everything they want.”
ARTISTS AND CREATORS RESPOND BY UPDATING LINKEDIN PROFILES TO “PROFESSIONAL CONTENT DONOR”
The decision has left the UK’s creative community absolutely thrilled, if by “thrilled” you mean “contemplating whether their entire careers have been rendered meaningless by digital vampires sucking the lifeblood from their work.”
“This is fantastic news for innovation,” gushed Dr. Sellout McNoMorals, CEO of the Institute for Pretending to Give a Sh!t About Creators. “Now AI companies can continue harvesting decades of human creativity without compensation, acknowledgment, or basic f@#king decency.”
TECH COMPANIES PROMISE TO BEHAVE WHILE LITERALLY WINKING AT SHAREHOLDERS
Representatives from major tech firms welcomed the decision with statements carefully crafted to sound responsible while actually saying absolutely nothing of substance.
“We take our responsibility to creators very seriously,” said Sarah Datamonger, VP of Creative Exploitation at TechnoparasiteCorp, while her nose grew approximately 7.8 inches. “We promise to continue having important conversations about ethics while simultaneously doing whatever the hell we want.”
Industry analysts note that 94.3% of these “important conversations” consist of nodding sympathetically at creators before immediately returning to the office to train AI on their entire life’s work.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON WHO JUST WANTS TO WATCH NETFLIX WITHOUT EXISTENTIAL DREAD
For the common citizen, this decision means absolutely nothing will change, except perhaps the gradual erosion of all creative professions and the slow realization that your children’s artwork will be worth exactly the same as whatever a machine can sh!t out in 0.3 seconds.
Professor Imso Screwed from the University of Obvious Consequences explains: “The average person won’t notice anything different until suddenly they realize all TV shows look the same, all music sounds identical, and every book reads like it was written by a committee of marketing executives who’ve never experienced human emotion.”
Studies show approximately 100% of UK politicians don’t understand how AI works, with a margin of error of “Are you f@#king kidding me? They think it’s basically magic.”
As the UK continues its proud tradition of regulatory capitulation, citizens can rest easy knowing their government has once again proven it can be trusted to protect corporate interests at all costs.
At press time, a leaked memo revealed the government’s next brilliant plan: replacing Parliament with a ChatGPT prompt that just repeats “whatever makes the most money” on an infinite loop. Critics say this would actually be more effective than the current system.
