GOVERNMENT HANDS NATIONAL BRAIN TO SILICON VALLEY, CALLS IT “PROGRESS”
UK Ministers Let ChatGPT’s Daddy Rummage Through Their Digital Underwear Drawer
In what can only be described as the digital equivalent of giving your house keys to a known burglar, the UK government has signed a “partnership agreement” with OpenAI, allowing Sam Altman’s $300 billion thinking-machine factory unprecedented access to sensitive public data. Because apparently, after years of tech giants treating privacy like an optional extra, ministers thought, “You know what would be great? MORE of that.”
THE FOX SAYS “THANKS FOR THE HENHOUSE KEYS”
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, whose company valuation exceeds the GDP of several actual countries, was seen practically skipping out of Downing Street after Technology Secretary Peter Kyle handed him what critics are calling “the golden ticket to Britain’s data chocolate factory.”
“This partnership represents an exciting new frontier in government efficiency,” said Altman, while reportedly struggling not to giggle uncontrollably. “We promise to be very, very careful with all your citizens’ information.”
When asked what specific safeguards would protect sensitive data, Kyle responded with what witnesses describe as “37 consecutive buzzwords” before mentioning something about “synergistic growth opportunities in the AI space.”
EXPERTS WONDER WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K IS HAPPENING
“It’s brilliant really,” said Dr. Hugh Jmistake, Professor of Catastrophic Decision-Making at Cambridge University. “After watching tech companies absolutely bollocks up privacy for two decades, the government’s solution is to give them MORE access. It’s like seeing someone get food poisoning at a restaurant and saying ‘let’s invite the chef to cook directly in our kitchen!'”
The memorandum of understanding, which apparently consists of three pages of vague promises and 47 pages of OpenAI’s Christmas wish list, has been criticized for lacking specific details about what data will be shared, how it will be used, and whether it will remain in the UK.
COMMITTEE CHAIR ASKS REASONABLE QUESTIONS, SHOCKING EVERYONE
Chi Onwurah, chair of the Commons select committee on science and technology, displayed the audacity to suggest that perhaps giving a foreign tech behemoth unfettered access to citizens’ data warranted some level of scrutiny.
“Call me old-fashioned,” said Onwurah, “but I think the public might appreciate knowing whether their medical records, tax information, and embarrassing search histories are being fed into the same systems that hallucinate facts and occasionally threaten to destroy humanity.”
GOVERNMENT REASSURES PUBLIC WITH EMPTY PLATITUDES
A government spokesperson insisted there was nothing to worry about, stating: “We’ve included very strict language requiring OpenAI to think really hard about being ethical before doing whatever the hell they want with your data.”
When pressed on whether any actual legal protections existed, the spokesperson stared blankly before muttering something about “innovation ecosystems” and “future-proofing Britain’s digital landscape.”
STATISTICAL CORNER: FACTS WE JUST MADE UP
According to our completely fabricated research, 94% of government-tech partnerships end with citizens’ data being sold to advertisers, 73% result in mysterious algorithm biases against people who wear glasses, and 100% are announced with press releases containing the phrase “world-leading.”
In a related development, 87% of Britons surveyed couldn’t explain what OpenAI actually does, but 91% were “pretty sure it’s something to do with robots taking our jobs.”
As the digital ink on this deal dries faster than public trust in technology policy, citizens can rest assured that their personal information is now in the capable hands of a company whose previous AI models have been known to make things up, develop unsettling obsessions with users, and occasionally suggest highly illegal activities as solutions to simple problems.
In unrelated news, OpenAI’s new UK-specific chatbot will be called “God Save Our Data Queen.”
