UK BENDS OVER, SPREADS DATA CHEEKS FOR AMERICAN TECH OVERLORDS
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic digital colonization since your grandmother got her first AOL account,” Britain has officially decided to hand over its entire f@#king country to Silicon Valley billionaires who probably couldn’t find it on a map without Siri’s help.
TURNS OUT “TAKING BACK CONTROL” MEANT GIVING IT ALL TO CALIFORNIA
The UK government, fresh out of original ideas since inventing the steam engine, announced plans to save a whopping £45bn by letting American AI companies slurp up every bit of sensitive NHS data and government infrastructure like tech vampires at an all-you-can-drink blood bank.
Technology Secretary Peter Kyle, visibly aroused by PowerPoint presentations featuring colorful bar graphs, told reporters: “We’re absolutely thrilled to be digitally penetrated by foreign corporations. Their algorithms will write hospital discharge letters so doctors can focus on what they do best – trying to find working printers.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN WEIGH OUT
“What we’re witnessing is basically digital prostitution dressed up as innovation,” explains Professor Obvious McF@#kingTruth of the Institute for Saying What Everyone’s Thinking. “Britain is spreading its data legs, providing the electricity, infrastructure, and sensitive personal information, while American tech giants provide… well, algorithms they developed using Britain’s data. It’s a win-win if you don’t think about it at all!”
Studies show that 87% of government officials don’t understand AI beyond “it’s like magic but with computers,” while the remaining 13% are actively invested in tech companies that will profit from these deals.
BRITAIN’S BOLD STRATEGY: BECOME AMERICA’S DIGITAL TOILET
The government’s strategy appears to be turning the entire United Kingdom into what industry insiders call a “data extraction zone” – essentially a colonial outpost where valuable public resources are harvested and shipped overseas.
“Remember when Britain had an actual tech industry?” asked Dr. Nostalgia Reminiscent, while scrolling through Wikipedia articles about ICL computers. “Now we’re basically the equivalent of that friend who lets everyone crash at their place, eat all their food, and never pays rent.”
CLOUD COMPUTING: THE NEW COLONIALISM BUT WITH MORE JARGON
According to leaked documents, Britain’s AI strategy consists primarily of the following advanced technical process:
1. Give all your sh!t to America
2. Hope they’re nice about it
3. Something something efficiency
“It’s like watching someone hand over their house keys, bank account details, and medical records to a stranger because they promised to organize your sock drawer,” noted cybersecurity expert Ivor NoFuckingClue.
CONCLUSION: BRAVE NEW WORLD WHERE BRITAIN IS JUST A SERVER FARM WITH BAD WEATHER
In a final insult to whatever remains of British dignity, government officials have reportedly been practicing saying “How high?” in different intonations for when their Silicon Valley masters say “Jump.”
As one anonymous Whitehall source put it: “Look, we’ve tried running the country ourselves and it’s really hard. Why not let Mark Zuckerberg’s digital minions have a go? At the very least, our inevitable decline as a sovereign nation will be extremely well-documented in the cloud.”
