# UK GOVERNMENT SELLS ENTIRE POPULATION TO GOOGLE FOR FREE GMAIL ACCOUNTS
In a move that experts are calling “like giving your house keys to a burglar because he offered to water your plants,” the UK government has agreed to hand over all of its citizens’ data to Google in exchange for what essentially amounts to a few tech support sessions and some free PowerPoint templates.
CIVIL SERVANTS TO RECEIVE “TECH TRAINING” FROM COMPANY THAT KNOWS WHEN YOU LAST GOOGLED YOUR EX
The groundbreaking deal will see Google “upskill” thousands of government employees who still think “the cloud” refers to weather patterns. Civil servants will finally learn crucial skills like how to accidentally share confidential Brexit strategies via Google Docs and how to ask Gemini AI if their pension plans are “completely f@#ked or just mostly f@#ked.”
“This is a tremendous opportunity for the UK,” explained Sir Gullible McNoClue, Permanent Secretary for Digital Colonization. “Instead of paying millions for technology, we’re simply trading the comprehensive personal data of 67 million citizens! It’s basic economics.”
NATION’S SENSITIVE DATA TO BE STORED ON AMERICAN SERVERS, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Privacy advocates are raising concerns that UK citizen data will now be stored on US servers, which means it will be subject to American surveillance laws, corporate whims, and whatever random tech bro happens to be having a bad day.
“Storing sensitive UK government data on US servers is about as secure as writing your PIN number on your forehead and walking through Times Square,” said Dr. Privacy Matter, head of the Institute for Oh Sh!t It’s Too Late Now. “Approximately 94% of all American tech companies consider ‘data protection’ to mean ‘protecting our right to sell your data.'”
GOOGLE PROMISES “NO EVIL” DESPITE COMPANY REMOVING THAT MOTTO YEARS AGO
Google representatives have assured the UK government that the arrangement is completely safe, pointing to their stellar track record of definitely not using user data for anything sketchy whatsoever.
“We’re simply providing free services out of the goodness of our corporate heart,” said Candice B. Lying, Google’s Vice President of Government Acquisition. When pressed on whether “Government Acquisition” was her actual title, Lying cleared her throat and said, “I meant Government Relations. Simple slip of the tongue.”
LOCAL COUNCILS EXCITED TO FINALLY HAVE EMAIL THAT WORKS
Council workers across the UK expressed enthusiasm about finally having technology that doesn’t require sacrificing a goat every time they need to send an attachment.
“Our current system was designed during the Thatcher administration and runs on coal,” explained Birmingham councilor Desperate ForHelp. “At least with Google, when everything crashes, we can blame an American company instead of our IT guy Dave who’s been threatening to quit since 2007.”
EXPERTS PREDICT NHS PATIENT RECORDS WILL SOON RECEIVE TARGETED ADS FOR WHATEVER DISEASE THEY’RE DYING FROM
Healthcare professionals are particularly concerned about NHS data being integrated with Google systems.
Professor Medical Ethics, who requested anonymity but we’re naming anyway because journalism is dead, warned that patients might soon receive eerily specific advertising.
“Imagine being diagnosed with a terminal illness and then getting bombarded with ads for discounted coffins and ’10 Fun Things To Do Before You Die’ clickbait,” she said. “About 87.3% of patients would find that distressing, while the remaining 12.7% would click on the coffin ads because British people love a good bargain even when dying.”
GOVERNMENT SPOKESPERSON: “WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?”
When asked about concerns that this deal represents a dangerous privatization of public data infrastructure, government spokesperson Shirley Notthinkingthroughthis responded: “Look, it’s free stuff! Do you know how rare that is in this economy? Besides, Google’s motto used to be ‘Don’t Be Evil,’ which is more ethical commitment than most of our Cabinet ministers have made.”
As the ink dries on this landmark agreement, UK citizens can rest easy knowing their most sensitive personal information is being handled with the same care and attention that Google gives to those YouTube comments you made while drunk in 2015. God save the data queen.
