UK GOVERNMENT OUTSOURCES THINKING TO ROBOT OVERLORDS, ADMITS HUMAN BRAIN SHORTAGE
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king nobody, the UK government has signed a deal with OpenAI to replace what little brain function remains in Whitehall with something that at least pretends to be intelligent.
POLITICIANS DISCOVER THINKING MACHINES CAN THINK
The British government, long suspected of operating without any intelligence whatsoever, artificial or otherwise, has formalized a relationship with OpenAI, the tech company valued at $300 billion that somehow convinced the world that a fancy autocomplete function is worth more than most countries.
Science and Technology Secretary Peter Kyle enthusiastically signed the agreement Monday, reportedly asking Sam Altman if the AI could “do my job while I nap” and “make decisions that won’t get me crucified on Twitter.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHY GOVERNMENT NEEDS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WHEN THEY’VE PERFECTED ARTIFICIAL INCOMPETENCE
“This partnership represents an unprecedented opportunity to replace human incompetence with algorithmic incompetence,” explained Dr. Neve R. Elected, Professor of Digital Dystopia at the University of Oh Sh!t We’re Doomed. “The beauty is when the AI inevitably screws up justice, security, and education, politicians can blame the silicon-based decision rectangle instead of themselves.”
Sources confirm the government plans to deploy ChatGPT across multiple departments. The Home Office is particularly excited about an AI that can say “no” to immigrants in 174 different languages without displaying visible contempt.
JUSTICE SYSTEM TO RECEIVE DIGITAL UPGRADE
Plans to integrate AI into the justice system have been met with enthusiasm from courts struggling with backlogs.
“We currently take about three years to reach a wrong verdict,” admitted Judge Hastily Decided. “With ChatGPT, we can reach the same wrong verdict in seconds while generating a 10-page explanation that sounds intelligent enough to confuse most appeals courts.”
EDUCATION SECRETARY CELEBRATES TEACHER REPLACEMENT PROGRAM
“Why pay teachers a living wage when we can have students educated by the same technology that convinced your uncle the moon landing was fake?” said an unnamed education official. “Plus, the AI doesn’t need bathroom breaks, pension plans, or respect.”
FINANCIAL WINDFALL FOR GOVERNMENT COFFERS
Treasury officials estimate the deal will save approximately £4.7 gazillion in “thinking costs” previously spent on consultants who just Googled things and presented them in PowerPoint.
“We’ve been outsourcing our thinking to McKinsey for decades at £2,000 per hour,” admitted Treasury spokesperson Cash B. Gone. “At least OpenAI’s hallucinations come at a bulk discount.”
PUBLIC REACTION MIXED
A recent poll shows 68% of Britons support the move, with 42% believing AI “couldn’t possibly do worse” than current leadership, and 26% excited about “finally having someone in government who can do basic math.” The remaining 32% were too busy trying to explain to their smart fridges why they needed milk to respond.
When reached for comment about potential downsides, Sam Altman assured reporters that OpenAI has implemented strict safeguards to prevent the system from developing common sense, moral clarity, or the ability to recognize irony, ensuring seamless integration with existing government operations.
“We’ve specifically programmed our AI to maintain the proud British tradition of making decisions that seem reasonable at the time but lead to catastrophic unintended consequences down the road,” Altman added while counting his money.
At press time, the government was reportedly already in talks to upgrade to the premium version after ChatGPT politely suggested balancing the budget by “not lighting piles of money on fire while dancing naked around Stonehenge,” a strategy no human advisor had previously dared to propose.
