UK Government Finds New Use for AI: Successfully Avoiding Accountability While Blaming Skynet
In a groundbreaking feat of modern bureaucracy, the UK Government has managed to dodge transparency protocols about its rampant use of artificial intelligence by using—what else?—artificial intelligence. While the mandate to log AI use was supposed to ensure Big Brother kept his algorithms on the up-and-up, it turns out not a single department has bothered to fill out the necessary paperwork. Apparently, those pesky forms didn’t fill themselves out. Nor were they sorted by the robo-filing cabinets the government might have dreamt up.
According to the technology secretary, it’s not really a big deal because AI was only supposed to take over minor functions like deciding benefits, denying immigrants, and making sure the next generation hands over their biometric data nice and easy. Nothing to see here, people, just let the bots do the busywork. “We don’t think of it as AI, but more like a really advanced, incredibly efficient post-it-note system,” claimed a spokesperson while silencing an alarm marked ‘Public Uprising.’
Contract awards for AI tech continue their skyrocketing trend, with the police recently throwing £20 million at facial recognition. One could say Britain is on its way to becoming the world’s most efficient reality TV show. More exciting than the confusion of waiting to see whether the public sector will get around to telling anyone what they’re doing with it, is the thrill of never knowing when you’ll accidentally wander into your local police precinct’s exclusive game of Guess That Criminal!
Meanwhile, over at the Department for Work and Pensions, AI systems are reading thousands of documents daily to carefully summarize the Britain’s grand tapestry of bureaucracy into an exciting narrative of happily rejected universal credit claims. This riveting epic also lets AI flex its fraud-detecting muscles, possibly pinpointing the one phantom job seeker trying to live life on a steady diet of denied benefits.
Critics, or perhaps mere luddites, worry about AI’s intrusion on public life, suggesting it might turn the UK streets into a high-tech dystopian episode of The Great British Fuck-Off, whereas proponents argue it’s a small price to pay for efficiently scaring potential criminal suspects while politely ignoring the wide-eyed innocents who happen to resemble them.
If that wasn’t exhilarating enough, NHS England has entrusting their data treasure trove to an American firm famous for, well, being American and having opinions about privacy that—let’s face it—mirror those of a nosy neighbor with incredible technical prowess.
For those daring enough to navigate the government’s digital maze, an AI chatbot has been deployed to shuttle users through litany of loops and redirects on the official website, promising to revolutionize the government’s perpetual quest to feel more accessible while saying nothing at all.
Whether it’s peace of mind or just a beta-test for our cyborg overlords, one thing is certain: when Skynet finally rolls in, the government doesn’t need to sound the alarm—it’s already been lost in the files.
