GOVERNMENT’S “AI REVOLUTION” JUST MEANS TECH SECRETARY ASKING CHATGPT “HOW DO I LOOK SMART AT MEETINGS?”
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of hiring a toddler as your financial advisor,” shocking revelations show the UK government’s much-touted AI revolution consists entirely of the technology secretary typing “help me sound smart plz” into ChatGPT minutes before important meetings.
FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST REVEALS GOVERNMENT’S “CUTTING-EDGE TECHNOLOGY” IS JUST ASKING A CHATBOT FOR HELP WITH HOMEWORK
A bombshell freedom of information request has exposed that the government’s ambitious AI strategy, which Prime Minister Keir Starmer claims will “transform civil service efficiency,” is actually just Peter Kyle desperately asking ChatGPT how to format Excel spreadsheets and “what to say when you don’t understand something but need to look important.”
“This is f@#king groundbreaking innovation,” said Dr. Obviosa Bullsh!t, Director of the Institute for Technological Pretending. “The government has successfully automated incompetence. Before, they had to hire actual humans to not understand technology. Now they’re using AI to not understand AI.”
THE PRIME MINISTER’S VISION: REPLACING HUMAN INEFFICIENCY WITH DIGITAL INEFFICIENCY
Standing before a crowd in Hull yesterday, Starmer boldly declared that AI would revolutionize government operations, eliminate waste, and streamline the civil service. Sources close to Downing Street confirm this means replacing 20,000 civil servants with one ChatGPT account and a minister who keeps typing “how to fix Britain please hurry” at 3am.
“We’ve calculated that by replacing human incompetence with silicon-based incompetence, we can achieve the same level of governmental dysfunction for just 73% of the current budget,” said Spencer Wastington-Pounds, the newly appointed Under-Secretary for Pretending to Understand Computers.
EXPERTS WARN: ASKING CHATGPT HOW TO RUN COUNTRY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN ASKING MAGIC 8-BALL, BUT ONLY JUST
A recent government simulation showed that current AI systems, when asked “how to solve the housing crisis,” provided answers that were deemed “marginally more coherent than what we get from Cabinet meetings after three bottles of Merlot.”
Professor Igivup Hope from the London School of Technology Skepticism notes, “It’s a bit like watching your grandparents discover the internet. They keep calling WhatsApp ‘The WhatsApp’ and think asking an AI chatbot to fix complex socioeconomic problems is revolutionary. It would be adorable if it weren’t controlling our f@#king country.”
DONALD TRUMP STILL MORE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED THAN UK GOVERNMENT
In a related story, Donald Trump’s wide-eyed amazement that “everything is computer” in a Tesla has been assessed by technology experts as “approximately 47% more technologically sophisticated” than the UK government’s entire digital strategy.
“At least Trump recognizes computers exist in the physical world,” said tech analyst Megan Servername. “The UK government seems to think AI is a magical spell you cast by saying ‘digital transformation’ three times while clicking your heels together.”
CIVIL SERVANTS PREPARING FOR THE FUTURE BY LEARNING TO ASK BETTER QUESTIONS
According to internal memos, government departments are now training staff to phrase questions to ChatGPT more effectively, with courses including “How to Ask an AI to Fix Your Budget Without Admitting You Can’t Do Math” and “Prompt Engineering for People Who Still Print Their Emails.”
A treasury official, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted: “Last week the Chancellor asked ChatGPT how to reduce inflation, and it suggested ‘implementing prudent fiscal policies.’ We’ve been trying to figure out what the f@#k that means for seven days straight.”
Statistics show that 87% of government AI usage consists of asking “can you make this sound more professional,” 9% is “explain blockchain to me again,” and the remaining 4% is “why doesn’t anyone respect me.”
As Britain hurdles toward this bold new future where silicon-based thinking rectangles are tasked with solving problems humans created, citizens can sleep soundly knowing their government has advanced from “completely clueless about technology” to “dangerously overconfident about technology they still don’t understand” in record time.
