UK ECONOMY SET TO THRIVE THANKS TO COMPULSIVELY LYING DIGITAL ASSISTANTS, SAY DESPERATE POLITICIANS
In a bold move that experts are calling “f@#king delusional,” British policymakers have pinned their hopes of economic revival on technology that makes sh!t up faster than a politician caught with their pants down.
ECONOMY IN SHAMBLES? JUST ASK THE MAGIC COMPUTER BOX
The UK government unveiled plans Monday to integrate artificial intelligence across all sectors of the economy, from healthcare to education, despite the minor inconvenience that these systems fabricate information with the casual confidence of a drunk uncle at Christmas dinner.
“We believe these silicon-based bulls#!t generators will add approximately £800 billion to our GDP,” stated Economic Minister Penny Pincher, citing figures that three different fact-checkers confirmed she invented during the press conference.
DOCTORS THRILLED TO BE REPLACED BY CONFIDENT LIARS
The medical community has expressed mixed feelings about being assisted by technology that occasionally recommends treating cancer with essential oils and positive thinking.
“I’m absolutely thrilled to have my medical degree complemented by a system that hallucinates treatment protocols with unwavering confidence,” said Dr. Justine Payne, oncologist at Royal London Hospital. “Nothing builds patient trust like diagnostic tools that occasionally suggest their lung cancer might actually be ghosts.”
TEACHERS EMBRACE NEW DIGITAL COLLEAGUE WHO TEACHES KIDS THAT DOLPHINS ARE FISH
The education sector has reportedly saved countless hours by having lesson plans generated by systems that confidently teach that Abraham Lincoln invented the helicopter and that Australia is located in Europe.
“It’s revolutionized my classroom,” beamed secondary school teacher Marcus Chalk. “Last week our AI helper created a gorgeous history lesson claiming World War II was fought primarily with lightsabers. The kids loved it!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON ECONOMIC IMPACT
Professor Ima Skeptic of the London School of Economics estimates that “approximately 87.3% of all AI-generated content is derivative garbage masquerading as insight,” a statistic she admitted she completely fabricated “just like those silicon-based bulls#!tters do.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Logic Fallacy, head of the Institute for Computational Make-Believe, suggests that “an economy built on technology that can’t distinguish between fact and fiction is perfectly suited for the post-truth era we’ve created. It’s like finding the perfect employee who lies on their CV but with absolutely unwavering confidence.”
GOVERNMENT INTRODUCES NEW MINISTRY OF DIGITAL TRUTHINESS
The government has established a new regulatory body to oversee AI implementation, staffed entirely by people who still use Internet Explorer and think “the cloud” refers to weather patterns.
“We’re implementing robust safeguards,” insisted newly appointed Digital Minister Terrence Clueless, while attempting to unlock his phone by speaking his password aloud repeatedly at increasing volume.
98% OF ECONOMISTS PREDICT BOOMING SUCCESS OR CATASTROPHIC FAILURE
Financial analysts remain divided, with some predicting an economic renaissance and others forecasting what one described as “a dumpster fire of misinformation so vast it will be visible from space.”
Banking giant Barclays released a statement reading: “We’ve analyzed the economic potential using our finest spreadsheets and can confidently predict that AI will either save the British economy or utterly destroy it. We’re 100% certain of this range of outcomes.”
At press time, the government announced it had balanced the budget after asking ChatGPT to “make these numbers work somehow,” proving once and for all that lying confidently is indeed the cornerstone of modern economic policy.
