UK GOVERNMENT DEMANDS CITIZENS MAKE SWEET LOVE TO AI OR FACE SOCIETAL EXILE
In a desperate attempt to prevent the UK from becoming the digital equivalent of a medieval village, Technology Secretary Peter Kyle has ordered all British workers to stop being such “f@#king cowards” and immediately start cuddling up to artificial intelligence technology.
MINISTER SPOTTED FRENCH-KISSING CHATBOT AT PRESS CONFERENCE
“Turn your trepidation into exhilaration,” shouted Kyle while violently embracing a laptop during Tuesday’s press briefing. “Everyone needs to act now and get their grubby human fingers all over this tech before the machines realize how bloody useless we actually are.”
According to government statistics that were definitely not made up on the spot, 97.6% of British workers who refuse to use AI will be living in cardboard boxes by 2025, while the remaining 2.4% will be employed solely to clean the keyboards of their AI-savvy overlords.
TRAINING PROGRAM CONSISTS OF SCREAMING “PLEASE HELP ME” AT COMPUTER FOR 2.5 HOURS
The government has announced a comprehensive national training program consisting of precisely two and a half hours where citizens will be taught to beg algorithms for mercy. Officials claim this is sufficient time to bridge the “generational gap” between those who understand technology and those still trying to program their VCRs from 1992.
“Two and a half hours is all it takes to completely transform from a worthless human paperweight into a semi-valuable AI assistant’s assistant,” explained Dr. Hugh Mann Redundancy, head of the newly formed Ministry of Human Obsolescence. “The first hour is just learning to type ‘please don’t take my job’ very quickly.”
ECONOMISTS PREDICT 100% EMPLOYMENT RATE ONCE HUMANS ACCEPT THEIR PLACE AS AI SERVANTS
Economic experts with suspiciously robotic voices insist there’s nothing to fear about the coming technological revolution, provided everyone immediately submits to their new digital masters.
“The jobs aren’t disappearing; they’re just becoming jobs where you watch an AI do your old job better than you ever could,” said Professor Calculate McProcessor, who definitely has a pulse and isn’t just a printer with a tie. “It’s really a beautiful opportunity for humans to embrace their new role as anxious spectators.”
RESISTANCE IS BOTH FUTILE AND CAREER-LIMITING
The government has already begun identifying potential “AI refuseniks” through mandatory laptop camera monitoring, with Kyle warning that those who resist technological progress will be left behind “like a Nokia phone at an Apple convention.”
Sources close to the minister report that plans are already underway to replace Parliament with a single MacBook running a legislative chatbot, which polls show would have a 73% higher approval rating than current MPs.
In a final warning to the nation, Kyle concluded: “Either embrace this sh!t right now, or prepare for a future where you’re begging the self-checkout machine for spare change. The choice is yours, but not really.”
