HUMANITY SURRENDERS TO SILICON BEINGS, UK PUTS OFF AI SAFETY BILL UNTIL ROBOTS CAN VOTE
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic attempt at international brown-nosing since France sent that giant statue,” the UK government has delayed its AI Safety Bill to appease the incoming Trump administration, essentially allowing unregulated digital entities to continue plotting humanity’s demise while politicians exchange friendship bracelets across the Atlantic.
THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP JUST GOT SPECIALLY STUPID
The Labour government has apparently decided that protecting citizens from potential AI catastrophes is less important than making sure Donald Trump doesn’t tweet mean things about them. Sources close to the decision say the bill was postponed after UK officials received a stern text message from JD Vance that simply read “regulation bad” with a frowning emoji.
“We believe delaying essential safety protocols that could prevent society’s collapse is worth it if it means we get invited to Mar-a-Lago,” explained Lord Kissington-Arseton, Minister for Technological Surrender. “Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? The machines develop consciousness and realize humans are just inefficient carbon-based meat sacks consuming resources? Pffft, unlikely.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K IS HAPPENING
Dr. Cassandra Ignored, professor of Obvious Warning Signs at Cambridge University, expressed concerns that nobody asked for but everyone should hear.
“About 97.8% of government technology decisions are made by people who still print their emails,” she noted. “We’re basically asking grandparents who fall for Nigerian prince scams to regulate systems that could potentially outsmart us all.”
Meanwhile, Professor Hugh R. Weallscrewed of the Institute for Oh God It’s Already Too Late pointed out that “delaying regulation to please a foreign administration is like postponing cancer treatment to impress your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend.”
AMERICA FIRST, HUMANITY DISTANT SECOND
The Trump camp has made it abundantly clear that AI regulation ranks somewhere between climate action and basic human decency on their list of priorities. Their approach to AI governance appears to be “let Elon figure it out,” a strategy that has worked flawlessly for Twitter, tunnels, and self-driving cars that occasionally mistake the moon for a yellow traffic light.
An anonymous White House transition team member reportedly said, “Listen, if we wanted safety, we wouldn’t be giving nuclear codes to a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer. At least the thinking rectangles are consistent.”
UNITED KINGDOM REBRANDS AS DOORMAT ISLAND
Political analysts suggest this strategic move could be part of the UK’s bold new foreign policy directive titled “Please Like Us, America,” which includes other initiatives such as replacing the Queen’s Guard with McDonald’s mascots and requiring all British children to speak with a Texas accent.
“After Brexit, we’ve realized our only remaining strength is our ability to completely prostrate ourselves before larger powers,” said Sir Winston Spineless of the Ministry for Abandoning All Dignity. “It’s quite liberating, actually, having absolutely no principles whatsoever.”
According to entirely fabricated statistics, approximately 89% of UK politicians would gladly let an unregulated neural network raise their children if it meant securing a favorable trade deal with literally anyone.
As the delay continues, experts warn that humanity may have already missed its window to establish meaningful AI guardrails, with sentient toasters and philosophically confused vacuum cleaners expected to demand voting rights by 2025.
At press time, the UK government was reportedly considering renaming the bill “The Trump Is Very Handsome And Has Large Hands Act” in hopes of finally getting it approved by their American overlords.
