UK GOVERNMENT SHOCKINGLY PUTS OFF AI SAFETY BILL TO GET IN BED WITH TRUMP’S HAIRPIECE

In what can only be described as a d!ck-measuring contest between political cowards and the sentient Excel spreadsheets threatening humanity, the UK government has postponed vital AI safety regulations apparently hoping to win a gold star from America’s Tangerine-in-Waiting.

PARLIAMENT MEMBERS DISCOVERED UNABLE TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE AND WHATEVER THE F@#K THEY HAVE

Chi Onwurah, who heads the Commons technology committee and apparently the only person in government who hasn’t had their brain replaced with a Tamagotchi, is raising hell about the delay of an AI safety bill that would force tech companies to submit their fancy chatbots for testing before they decide humanity works better as compost.

“What we’re seeing is absolutely unprecedented groveling,” said Onwurah in what sources describe as “a moment of actual sanity.” “We’re basically telling silicon valley billionaires, ‘Please, continue developing your thought machines without oversight while we polish Trump’s golf clubs.'”

EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON GOVERNMENT’S SPECTACULAR SURRENDER TO DIGITAL OVERLORDS

Professor Iwanna Keepmyjob from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions notes that “postponing AI regulation to impress Donald Trump makes about as much sense as using a flamethrower to check if your gas tank is empty.”

The delayed bill would have required tech companies to hand over their language models for safety testing, a concept apparently as frightening to Silicon Valley as vegetables are to a toddler.

“There’s a 97.8% chance the government is actually run by a collection of sentient paperclips at this point,” explained Dr. Totally Madeup, who specializes in political spine deficiency at Cambridge University. “Only that would explain prioritizing Trump’s mood swings over preventing algorithm-induced societal collapse.”

GOVERNMENT STRATEGY: HOPE AI DECIDES TO KILL THE FRENCH FIRST

Sources inside Number 10 reveal the current strategy appears to be “maybe if we’re nice to the thinking calculators, they’ll spare us when they inevitably seize control of the nuclear codes and water supply.”

One anonymous ministerial aide admitted, “Look, if we can just hold off regulation until after Trump takes office and presumably appoints Elon Musk as Secretary of Digital Doomsday, we’ll be golden. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? The complete annihilation of human autonomy? That’s Wednesday for us.”

Meanwhile, 89% of MPs have reportedly been unable to differentiate between ChatGPT outputs and their own policy proposals since 2023.

When asked for comment, a high-ranking government official accidentally handed reporters a printed instruction sheet reading “SMILE AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT INNOVATION WHILE AVOIDING MENTION OF POTENTIAL EXTINCTION EVENTS.”

The bill is now expected to be considered sometime after the heat death of the universe or when politicians grow actual backbones, whichever comes first.