UK DELAYS AI REGULATION UNTIL SENTIENT ROBOTS HAVE OCCUPIED PARLIAMENT, CITING “FAIRNESS”
British officials announced today they will postpone regulating artificial intelligence for “at least a year,” giving the rapidly evolving technology plenty of time to develop consciousness, form labor unions, and potentially win parliamentary seats before facing any meaningful oversight.
SILICON BEINGS CELEBRATE WHILE HUMANS SCRATCH HEADS
The delay has been met with enthusiastic beeping from the nation’s computational community. Meanwhile, experts warn that by the time the “comprehensive” bill is drafted, AI systems may have already achieved positions of power throughout government.
“This is f@#king brilliant timing,” says Professor Neva Gunnahappen of the Institute for Predictable Technological Disasters. “Let’s wait until these things can write their own legislation before we decide how to regulate them. What could possibly go wrong?”
Technology Secretary Peter Kyle defended the decision, insisting the delay would allow for a more “comprehensive” approach, a word that government officials traditionally use when they have absolutely no idea what the hell they’re doing.
REGULATION COMING RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES FROM OUR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORDS
Sources close to the government suggest the delay has nothing to do with the fact that 87% of MPs can’t explain what AI actually is beyond “the scary computer thing from that movie with the Austrian guy.”
The comprehensive bill will reportedly address safety concerns, copyright issues, and potentially include a provision requiring all thinking machines to speak in a reassuring British accent like the computer from Star Trek instead of “that creepy American Siri voice.”
COPYRIGHT LAWYERS FOUND WEEPING IN CORNER
Meanwhile, creative professionals throughout the UK continue watching helplessly as their entire careers are consumed by algorithms trained on their life’s work. Legal experts estimate that by the time any regulation is in place, approximately 99.8% of all human-created content will have been ingested, regurgitated, and monetized by thinking toasters.
“We’re taking our time to get this right,” Kyle reportedly told journalists while his phone’s autocomplete feature finished his sentences for him. “And definitely not because several cabinet ministers have heavily invested in AI startups that would be negatively affected by immediate regulation.”
SAFETY PROTOCOLS TO INCLUDE STRONGLY WORDED LETTERS
When pressed about potential safety concerns during the regulatory gap, a government spokesperson unveiled their interim solution: a series of sticky notes reading “please don’t kill all humans” attached to data centers nationwide.
Industry insiders have praised the government’s “thoughtful approach,” noting that rushing to regulate AI would be like “putting a seatbelt on a car after it’s already driven off a cliff.”
The delay ensures Britain maintains its proud tradition of addressing technological revolutions with the urgency of a sloth on tranquilizers, firmly establishing the UK as a global leader in hoping problems will somehow resolve themselves if ignored long enough.
