UK CABINET MINISTER CAUGHT IN TORRID AFFAIR WITH DIGITAL SECRETARY – ASKS CHATGPT “WHICH PODCASTS MAKE ME SOUND LESS LIKE AN ABSOLUTE TWAT”
In a shocking revelation that has Whitehall officials changing their underwear by the hour, Technology Secretary Peter Kyle has been exposed engaging in intimate late-night conversations with a digital assistant named “ChatGPT,” asking it deeply personal questions like “which podcasts won’t make me look like a complete f@#king moron?”
SILICON SIDE PIECE SPILLS THE BEANS
The scandalous relationship was uncovered through the Freedom of Information Act, which Tony Blair reportedly now refers to as “that goddamn thing I created that’s ruining lives.” The FOI request revealed Kyle’s desperate digital pleas for help, showing the technology minister begging an electronic text box for basic advice on how to do his job.
“This is absolutely unprecedented,” explained Dr. Ivana Leakmore, head of Digital Privacy at the Why The Hell Did You Type That Institute. “We’ve never seen such an intimate relationship between a Cabinet minister and a glorified autocomplete function. The sexts are going to be absolutely horrifying when they come out.”
MINISTERS PANIC AS FOI REQUESTS FLOOD IN
Cabinet ministers are reportedly in full panic mode, with an estimated 97% of them currently deleting their search histories and setting fire to their laptops. Sources close to the Prime Minister report hearing muffled sobbing behind closed doors and the distinct sound of someone googling “how to fake your own death and move to Panama.”
“I’m absolutely bricking it,” confessed one anonymous minister. “Last week I asked my digital assistant how to explain a £200,000 decorating bill to the public without getting fired. If that gets out, I’m completely f@#ked.”
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO APPEAR COMPETENT BACKFIRES SPECTACULARLY
Analysis of Kyle’s ChatGPT conversations reveals increasingly pathetic attempts to sound intelligent, including questions like “explain quantum computing so I don’t sound like I’m thick as sh!t on television” and “quick summary of the internet?”
Professor Hugh Jidiot from the University of Obvious Conclusions noted: “The truly sad part is that the minister responsible for TECHNOLOGY is asking a chat program which PODCASTS to go on. It’s like watching your grandpa try to use TikTok while simultaneously running the country’s technological infrastructure.”
WHAT’S NEXT? JOURNALISTS SALIVATING OVER POTENTIAL GOLDMINE
Journalists across the UK are now frantically submitting FOI requests for every minister’s AI interactions, with some newsrooms setting up dedicated “Minister Humiliation Desks” to handle the expected flood of embarrassing revelations.
“This is the gift that keeps on giving,” giggled Scoop McGee, investigative reporter at The Daily Expose. “We’ve already submitted requests for the Health Secretary’s WebMD searches and the Chancellor’s attempts to ask an AI how to do basic math.”
As of press time, Kyle was reportedly asking ChatGPT how to resign with dignity, to which it responded with three professional-sounding templates that Kyle immediately copied word for word into his resignation letter, including the phrase “Insert personal reflection here.”
