UK BUSINESSES CAUGHT WITH DIGITAL PANTS DOWN AS CYBER ATTACKS SKYROCKET
In a shocking display of technological incompetence that would make a toddler with an iPad look like Steve Jobs, over 25% of UK businesses have been cyber-attacked in the past year, according to a report that has experts asking, “What the f@#k were you expecting?”
The Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors (RICS) revealed that a staggering 27% of companies had their digital backsides thoroughly kicked by hackers, up from 16% last year, suggesting British businesses are evolving backward at an alarming rate.
DIGITAL SECURITY EXPERTS RECOMMEND REVOLUTIONARY “PASSWORD” CONCEPT
“It’s absolutely mind-boggling,” said Dr. Obvious McPointout, Professor of Things Everyone Already Knows at Cambridge. “These companies are literally protecting billion-pound assets with passwords like ‘password123’ and ‘CompanyName2023!’ and then acting surprised when they get hacked. It’s like leaving your front door wide open with a sign saying ‘Please Rob Me’ and then being shocked when someone takes your television.”
The survey, which polled facilities managers who likely still use Internet Explorer and think “the cloud” refers to weather patterns, suggests that UK businesses are “sleepwalking” into cyber disasters, a polite British way of saying “catastrophically sh!tting the bed while unconscious.”
COMPANIES IMPLEMENTING CUTTING-EDGE “TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN” STRATEGY
According to made-up statistics that feel absolutely true, 94% of UK business cyber security protocols consist entirely of having Nigel from accounting restart the router when things get “computery weird.”
“We’ve invested heavily in cyber security,” said fictional CEO Winston Moneysworth of Definitely Real Ltd. “Just last month we bought an antivirus program that came free with a computer magazine from 2008. Plus, we’ve instructed all employees to add an exclamation point to their passwords. The hackers will never expect that level of sophistication!”
HACKERS REPORT BEING “ALMOST EMBARRASSED” BY HOW EASY IT IS
The underground hacking community has reportedly started feeling bad about targeting UK businesses, with one anonymous cyber criminal confessing, “It’s like taking candy from a baby, if the baby was actively trying to give you the candy while also handing over its credit card details.”
Security consultant Penny Wise-Poundfoolish notes that companies are spending millions on fancy office chairs and kombucha taps while allocating approximately £7.50 for cyber security, “usually in the form of a DVD someone bought at a car boot sale.”
BUSINESSES CONSIDER RADICAL SOLUTION: ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING
In a last-ditch effort to combat the rising tide of attacks, some UK businesses are considering the radical step of actually implementing basic security measures, a move experts describe as “completely unprecedented” and “probably too little, too late.”
Dr. Idon Givafig of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious added, “At this point, these companies might as well just post their server credentials on billboards. It would save everyone time. The hackers could do their job more efficiently, and the businesses could skip straight to the embarrassing press release about how they’re taking security ‘very seriously’ after losing all their customers’ data.”
As of press time, 73% of UK companies remained confident that cyber attacks “only happen to other people,” a strategy proven effective for absolutely nothing in the history of humankind.
